Heaven on Earth

Whether you want to live in heaven, on earth or in hell, you decide. =)

Our thoughts become our reality. What we focus on determines how we feel. Today I met a friend whose personal qualities are so good I literally feel very high just reflecting on his good qualities. That makes me feel good and the good feeling permeates my heart and my day. I want to 'law of attraction' him into my network. However, what matter most here is I truly sincerely rejoice in his good qualities.

On another occasion, I receive a blow this morning. I heard of a negative comment of an associate and I don't like the way she put things across, because I feel she's not very honest with her remarks. That makes me feel bad. However, on reflection, that incidence teaches me a great lesson: that I have to be careful with the words I choose because not everyone can forgive your one mistake. I decide on 2 things: I will be more careful wit my choice of words and the person I deal with, and I will forgive anyone who make the same mistake as I do. I feel very grateful to her for the lesson, and feel very happy as a result. I am also happy with my response because I really fulfill my goal to 'grow a little bit each day'. I feel I have grown a little taller.

Moral of the story: Focus on the good sides of things, no matter what the thing is, and you will feel good at ALL times. To be happy is a choice. The control button is in your hand. Choose to be happy!

I Win

It has been ages since I last wrote. I usually write during some spare time when I'm in retreats. In my chat with Romo C, he said I could have written a book. Indeed! My days in Brahma Vihari were recorded in my diary and it's almost like a book!

Now I'm writting from a different setting -- the busy day-to-day working life, with Dhamma practice as the main tone. =) Re-reading my own blog calms the mind. Now, the mind takes the same calmness as its color, albeit in completely different setting. It's really Dhamma-in-the-battlefield!

It's seeing things from different angle, different setting. Yet, the taste of Dhamma stands out even more. And in whatever situation we are in, as long as we hold on to the Dhamma, we will always win.

All through my life, as long as I can recall, I never hate anyone. Just recently, I had a very close encounter with hatred. I hated someone so badly that I kept on repeating in my heart, "I hate him, I hate him, I hate him." That hatred was so strong that I couldn't concentrate in whatever I'm doing. I was really in the thick of delusion. I knew in my heart that was wrong, but the delusion was so strong I couldn't get myself out of it. And I was really suffering. Looking from a perspective, that is the silliest thing to do. To be angry with someone because of what he or she says and does. The other party could be happily enjoying themselves while I'm burning with hatred.

Somehow, after a while (can't remember exactly how long; probably one to two days) the hatred just dissipated away. I learn to overlook what burns me and look carefully to find his goodness. To my pleasant surprise, there are a lot....really a lot. We always find what we focus on. If we focus on goodness, we will always, always find goodness. If we focus on people's faults, we will always find them too. =)

In Jakarta, it's not always safe to flag a cab. Some cab brands are more trustworthy than the others. I notice that the taxi drivers of different taxis behave very differently. Some are nice and polite, some tend to stir suspicion and feeling of insecurity. Sometimes, because the cab I want to take is not always available and I'm in a hurry, I just bet my luck. Cos I'm always lucky ^_^. Suddenly a thought stroke my mind: "You get what you expect. People will live up to what you expect of them." At that thought, my initial suspicion (that the taxi driver will misbehave) turns into a kind thought that he's just the victim of people's perception and treatment. The heart softened and I spoke to him with kindness. He turned out to be a good person after all.

With that in mind, I switch my mind back to R. I think if I expect him to be good, he will. By 'expect', I don't mean we impose our idea of what is good to other people. By 'expect', I mean we treat him as if he is good. We think of him as a good person. It's very difficult to behave badly if people around you think you're a good person and respect you accordingly for that. I start to focus on his goodness, and there are really a lot. He keeps his precepts well. He keeps his words. He has helped me a lot in the past. It was him who got me back to health. He points out my blind spot. As my thoughts flow, gratitude flows. In place of anger and hatred, there is gratitude and love. He teaches me many things. He's been a good teacher to me. The heart softens and the mind calms down. I win. =) I win over myself, and with that, I start to like myself back. I become friend with myself again. That's the sweetest victory. At that stage, noone can take away my peace. No one can make me suffer but myself. I have a choice. I choose to be happy. I choose to be kind. I choose to forgive. I choose to let go. Metta becomes the natural mainstay for the mind. Because I'm happy, I naturally wish everyone to be happy. I must be smiling to myself, as I see strangers smiling back to me.

The calmness and peace that result from that experience stays with me for a long time. The mind is protected by the Dhamma. I feel as if I'm in retreat living the Dhamma. It's the same whether we are in retreat or in the work place. As long as we have the Dhamma in our heart, everywhere we can practice. Everyday is Dhamma Day. That fulfills my wish: to establish a Dhammasathit in my heart. Dhammasathit: the place where the Dhamma is established. I've come back to the Buddha, Dhamma, Sangha. I've come back home.

Now, I wish to become a beacon of hope. To do that, I am willing to change. I will change a little bit every day so that at the end of the month, at the end of the year, I will have changed a lot. At the end of the day, I will really become a beacon of hope. :) That is a very powerful statement I made during "Strengthen Your Strength" session. And I continue to change internally and externally. It's subtle yet obvious.

May this find you well.
May you be well and happy.

Santussako. =)

Practicing at Home

Practicing at home is not always easy, but it can be quite enjoyable when we know how to enjoy it, and how to keep the practice going. At first, I experienced mental drainage. I felt that my mental energy run out very fast and I often felt the need to recharge through meditation. That is also one of the pull to meditate – to recharge myself.

In my first week at home, I was doing very well. Everyone welcomed me home. I was treated as someone special, and I was listened to attentively. However, all this changed in the second week, because somehow, our workers just didn’t come for their shifts. There are three shifts for the workers: morning, afternoon, and evening shift. If there is more than 1 person absent in 1 shift, we ourselves have to take over her duty to ensure that we can deliver on time. As a result, since then we have all been very busy. There is hardly any time when all of us can sit down and relax. Hence the discussion session is temporarily called off.

In such time when the workers are absent and the machines were not running well (one couldn’t be operated for a few days), the tension was high. Work has to be the first priority (that is the rule of the house), so the already-planned discussion session was called off. I was disappointed then, because I thought the discussion session was the opportunity for me to share with my family, and also to allow them the chance to load their mind with positive things, to counter the more-often-negative things they receive from the TV and from the high-tension work environment. This incident led to more disappointments, but it’s not a bad thing after all. In the end, I learnt to re-adjust my approach. Instead of trying to do something formal and so visible, I can just be present, be with them, and at the same time, not be like them. What I mean is, whenever everyone is angry and starts shouting at each other, I should maintain my calm. Otherwise, there is no way I can help the situation. I have promised myself and my family that this time I’m going to give my time to them. I mean it and I really want to realize it. So I told myself, “I will just give myself, no matter what it takes”. This thought saved my day. The new approach helped to make me feel more relaxed and just go with the flow. This desire to give myself takes away concern for myself and instead places the concern on others. While doing this, metta flows. To my pleasant surprise, the whole day I felt that my mind was in a good state, I felt very calm and at ease, no matter how busy I was outwardly. Metta becomes my secret weapon.

Also through experiencing disappointment, I learnt to unplug myself from it, to understand what disappointment is, and to find the main cause of it. Hence, it becomes a learning experience too.

It is sometimes challenging to give myself completely. Sometimes I want to do my own thing. Being an introvert, I like to spend time with myself. So I have to struggle between giving up or keeping my ego. =) This is a good learning.

That should be enough to summarize my experiences at home. It’s nowhere near the life at Brahma Vihari, but I can either appreciate it and have a good time, or fret about it and live miserably. I choose the former.

Mindfulness

Home, Medan

Tue, 12^th September 2006

Cooling Heart

I’ve just got back from the retreat with Sayalay Dipankara in Ipoh. The fantastic cave temple aside, this retreat differs from other retreats I’ve been to in the coolness I experienced in the heart. There’s a lot of mindfulness and moderation – in food and in sleeping.

Moderation

Normally, my weakness is food. When faced with a good variety of food, I have the tendency to take all of them, and to take more of what I like – the characteristics of greed. When this happened, there was a lot of inner struggle because of the conflict between my behavior and the Food Reflection done just before we were to partake our food. The Food Reflection goes like this:

“Reflecting wisely on this food,

I use it not to distract my mind,

not to gratify desire,

not to make my form impressive

or to make it beautiful.

But simply for the sustenance and continuance of this body

And to fulfill the practice of the holy life.

With this attitude in mind,

I will allay hunger without overeating

So that I may continue to live

blamelessly and at ease”

What I did was the complete opposite – I ate to gratify my desire, and for that very reason, it distracted my mind. Hence I experienced the aftereffect: I was not at ease. Excess of food in the body causes it to be heavy and drowsiness comes easy. What’s worse is the effect of such action to the mind: As I let greed ruled the mind, it often completely took over. The mind laden with greed is gross and not at ease. It behaves like a crazy person. The more one feeds the fire of greed, the more it burns. The more one gratifies one’s desires, the thirstier one is.

Now in this retreat I tried doing something different. I ate in moderation – in the amount and variety. I didn’t want to go after the food. My purpose of coming here was to train the heart and that requires a great amount of mindfulness. I didn’t want to do anything that hinders or goes against the way of the practice. I made the determination (aditthana) not to eat my fill, but to take around 80% of my bodily need. That should be enough to sustain me, as Ajaan Maha Boowa (a Thai Forest Tradition Monk, believed to be Arahant) sometimes even take much less and consumes only one meal a day, whereas I consumed two. As soon as I was about to fill full, I let go of the food, whatever that is, even if that was my favorite food. After I let go, I no longer thought about the food at all. I simply walked away to clean my dishes. Practicing in this way, the heart was very cooling as I didn’t give in to the greed. Hence, for the whole period of 10 days, I was able to feel completely at ease even when eating. It is only now that I act in accordance to the food reflection. And for that, I was rewarded with a sense of ease in the heart. It was not difficult at all. The sense of ease that comes from eating in moderation gives rise to a cooling heart, and that in turn encouraged me to continue on practicing in this way. And how much good that does to the practice! The practice goes along the line of non-greed, non-hatred, non-delusion. When we act in ways that give rise to greed, hatred and delusion, we are actually going against the stream of practice. As a result, the practice cannot go smoothly. This practice of moderation in food also aids in supporting mindfulness.

Mindfulness

In the retreat setting, it is not too difficult to be mindful most of the time as there are many supporting factors: The presence of a good teacher with constant reminder of the practice, the presence of fellow yogis who are striving together, the quiet environment, the good food and enough time to rest. As a rule there is a lag of mindfulness and this happened often. But the period of mindfulness is long enough for us to know how mindfulness feels like, and that, put in juxtaposition with the unmindfulness which is the more common mode of our normal living, allows us insight into the stark difference between mindfulness and unmindfulness. Being unmindful is like being a crazy person. One doesn’t really know what one is doing. One simply rushes about doing this and that, without clear comprehension and presence of mind in what one is really doing. For common run-of-the-mill people, period of unmindfulness is so much longer with possibly no moment of mindfulness that it feels normal to be crazy like that. It feels normal because it is the state of mind most of the time, with nothing to inform the mind what ‘sane’ is like.

Havenangh House, Singapore. Sun 10 Jun 2007

Did a half-hour swim with J today. All the while I have always swum with googles on, so when I first went down to the water, immediately fear struck me -- fear that I would not be able to do away with googles. Now it seems that fear comes from perception, but that perception is illusory at best and false at worst.

Start to do absorption again after being encouraged by Waichong. Previously it didn't seem to be the case, but now it seems rather obvious that it is doubt that stood in the way of a good absorption.

Ven. Kaizhao named me "Saccanama" as my buddhist name. Of late, the quality of sacca keeps reverberating in the mind. Once I have made a determination to do something, there is also accompanying decision and desire to fulfill it. As of now, this quality of sacca is still very weak. I made unrealistic resolve to do something, only to break it later because I was unable to fulfill it.

This afternoon I ate after 12pm. Actually I have already decided not to eat as it is alreaady past the allowable eating time. Yet when J brought me to a restaurant I just followed suit and just ate. That is how far my resolve brought me. Shall work on this. Remember the Bodhisatta can give up his life for the sake of keepinga pure unblemished precepts. Taking him as my role model, I shall strive to do likewise.

Manage to meditate 4 times today: 1/2 hour in the morning, some time in BL, 1 hour in the afternoon, and 45 min in the evening. The short duration is due to the body's fatigue. Nevertheless, I manage to keep to my determination.

I feel very energized after chanting. All the body's fatique seems to disappear, and the mind is in very good state.

Reflected on mosquitoes: They are very good teachers. And they give me lotsa opportunities to do dana too. Because of the unpleasant after-effect of their bites, the mind has to learn to be paitent, to accept the itchty sensation and to radiate metta towards them. The frequency of their bites means ample opportunity to practice in DLMC.

Today I remembered the person whom I believe has cheated me and many others. I thought this man has a good talent, unfortunately he doesn't use it wisely. He is harming himself without knowing it by accumulating unwhilesome kamma. As I thought of him, I naturally wish him to be well and happy. There was no ill will at all. I know I was cheated, but it is ok. It's ok because throughout the process of buying the good (being aware that he may be cheating me) to finding out that I am indeed being cheated, there was no unwholesome thoughts arising in me. I attributed this natural tendency to wish for the well-being of the man who has cheated me to the training I've got from teacher mosquitoes.

Havenangh House, Singapore. Fri 8 Jun 2007

I've just done a one-and-a-half hour sitting and 45-min chanting. During these two activities, some thoughts run through my mind. Will write on the thoughts here.

Mental habit: Just as we have physical habits-- brush up and bathe immediately after waking up, wash up before bed, consume coffee daily, meditate at certain time of the day, we also have mental habits -- the way we mentally react to things that happen to us and around us. It seems almost as if this reaction is automatic, but actually it is pre-programmed. The good news is: mental habits can be re-programmed. So we don't always have to fall prey to reacting in negative ways which we would later regret. We have the freedom and power to reprogram our mental reaction, that is to decide how to better respond to a given situation or how to better interpret a given situation. We tend to assume certain mental pattern in a particular setting, and when that setting changes, our mental pattern changes accordingly. For eg., when I was in Api-api, I made a mental effort to be mindful in all my activities, even when I'm not physically sitting. When I chant, to force the mind to stay in the present and to empowe the chants, I reflected on the meaning of the chants as I chanted them. The mind has been conditioned to go every which way but the present moment -- this is the default, old mental habit. Now, continously reflecting on the meaning of the chant is a re-conditioning, a re-programming the mind to behave in a new way, ie. to be mindful of the present. After a while, this habit catches on and it becomes a mental pattern that the mind takes on in Api-api. Now out of retreat and back in Singapore, I have one-week time to tie some loose ends. The mental patter that I used to have in this kind of setting is a busy mind -- forever planning what to do next and restlessly looking out to get things settled. As I come back to Singpaore, I come back to this setting as well, and the mind immediately assumed this mental pattern.

I shall continue to follow the schedule in Api-api: wake up at 3 plus, sit at 4, chant at 6, at least 2 sittings and chanting per day.

Nothing is as important as meditation. I shall leave everything else for meditation and not the other way round.

Will cut down on unnecessary activities and spend more time on the practice.

Havenangh House, Singapore. Wed 6 Jun 2007

Quoted from Patipada by Ven. Acharn Maha Boowa: Ajaan Mun taught the Bhikkhus to be sharp in hearing and seeing, to be nimble and dextrous in movement, to do things quickly and not in a tardy, clumsy manner. He taught them to be resourceful and to use their ingenuity both in external things and internally. In moving here and there they should have mindfulness present and he taught them to be careful and prcise in all circumstances.

Just finished Sayalay's retreat today. Went to Dr. Ang's house for another one of Sayalay's talk. And come back home to be greeted by J's warm welcome message. She always make me feel so welcomed and so at home, always very kind and very generous. I think of her as my mom.

Today G asked me if I could continue to stay in Singapore if I don't work, cause I'm a PR. Very kind and thoughtful of him too. He is like a father to me. So I am very rich, and in good hands: my blood mother and fatehr who love and take very good care of my, my god-father and mother who shower me with their kind love and attention, and my spiritual mother (Sayalay Dipankara) and father (Hui Guang shifu) who take very good care of my spiritual well-being. Wherever I go, I always meet with good people: people who are very kind, people who are extremely generous, people who are all out to help others.

Birthday Celebration: Just recalled what Ven. Hui Guang shared with us regarding how to best celebrate birthday. Normally we celebrate our birthday by throwing a party and happily enjoying ourselves. There's a better way of celebrating it: reflecting by our birth day is the day of our mother's suffering. She went through tremendous pain to bring us to this world. Birth-giving is a life-and-death matter, for it is not always the case that both mother and child would survive. Our mothers carry us in their wombs for 10 months, nurturing us with physical and mental food, caring for us even before we were born. Our birthday is an apt occation to remember with gratitude the kindness our parents have showered upon us. And the best gift we can give them is the gift of Dhamma (Dhammadana): on our part, we can do dana, keep the precepts, practice meditaiton, and dedicate the merits to our parents. We can also share the Dhamma with them: encourage them to do dana, keep the precepts and practice meditation, listen to Dhamma talks, incline their mind towards goodness. In this way, rather than the usual party celebration, we can make our bithday very meaningful to both ourselves and our parents.

Circle of friends: The friends we associate with are very important, for they would be a deciding facor for our accumulating more merits or demeirts. My fist contact when I got back to Signapore is the CMC group, and it doesn't take long to fully book my one-week-stay in Singapore with activities such as dana-offering, listening to Dhamma talks, group sitting, temple visiting -- things that are very wholesome, fortunately, and I easily get hooked. Imagine what would happen if the opposite is the case: If my circle of firends had been bad people. I would have easily fallen back to the bad old ways. Reflecting on this, I feel so fortunate to have very good friends.

DLMC - Mon 22 May 2007

Meditation: I seem to start to get used to the pace of life here. Despite pretty heavy workload sometimes, my meditation starts to progress smoothly. Yesterday I had an all-day-good-sittings -- a rare occurance during my stay here. And the work makes me work under the hot sun and in the midst of mosquitoes sometimes. The sun and sweat make me feel very healthy. And I am -- my flu recovered in 3-4 days without medicine and much expressed-symthoms. The mosquitoes get me used to their bites, to the point where I no longer feel that their bites are disagreeable or unpleasant. The heart has sort of neutralized the sensation. Hence mosquito net is no longer necessary.

Today I had the chance to deal with coldness. I didn't feel comfortable with the sensation at first, hence my hands kept fidgetting, changing positions but never really satisfied with any. Until suddenly a realization struck me -- I have been trying to run away from the cold sensation, not wanting to be with the present. Then there was a change/ shift in the mental attitude to accepting the cold, allowing my body to feel it. That is all I need to do. Henceforth the fidgetting stopped. The restlessness also stopped. Now the next challenge: deal with painful sensations. All the best!

I stop demanding -- demand, albeit only in the mind, that people do work or behave in certain ways. Now I allow them to be, give them the space to be themselves, to adapt to the environment, and to change when they are ready to.

DLMC - Fri 18 May 2007

Appamado ca Dhammesu: Be uncomplacent with regards to qualities of the mind. I saw this last night, or rather, yesterday. Afternoon sitting was very good and I could absorb successfully. Then there was a little bit thought of lust penetrating and I thought it is ok, just a little bit. Soon that little bit became so enormous that it ruined the evening sitting. The crazy thought - vibhava tanha - consumed my mind and the physical fatique consumed my body. I was barely able to catch the breath. Nevertheless, the mind realized the danger of heedlessness, of being unmindful, that during hte evening chanting, I dared not send my mind off wandering anywhere but focused it at the chants themselves.

A S: It is a good thing that he is here, and I get to observe him and his practice when he is alone and when he is in the company of other monks. He is kind and helpful, considerate to others, doing service for them when the need arises, and very strict with himself. He didn't want to trouble others, so he doesn't take breakfast when he is the only monk around. He chanted the blessing and meal reflection with their meaning in Thai. He worked very hard, and very fast. The entire temple is kept very clean with his presence. He never demanded that we do any work. When he sees that something needs doing, he simply sets himself to doing it. He is very generous too - always giving the yogis, helpers and workers food almost every day.

We observe each other, and appreciate each other. Because of our similar nature and way of practice, we often come across each other in the meditation hall. I often go early to prepare seats for other yogis, he for other monks. Despite not speaking a common language, there is a sort of internal understanding between us. I like to take care of him and serve him secretly. He seemed to notice and appreciate it. How beautiful.

One thing I have to warn myself and be careful about though, is that I have to respect him as an Acariya, a member of the Sangha, and not just my friend/ peer. Anything short of that reflects an impoliteness of mind in my part.

Not taking breakfast: Initially, I took up this practice because AS is not taking breakfast. Later on, I find that this practice has many benefits:

1. My mind is not so pre occupied with food
2. I dont' have to spend time sitting at the table and talking frivolous talks. I can work alone, mindfully.
3. It is the practice of being content with little
4. I can lose weight

I didn't have to struggle much to take up this practice. Once I have made up my mind, the mind simply stops going after food. Even when I saw food on the table, I was not moved. The reason for that is probably because my practice is progressing well and the heart has contenment.

Medicine for greed: contentment. Contentment features the mind in a completely opposite way from greed. Hence when contentment is present, greed cannot penetrate the mind. Santussako.

DLMC - Wed 16 May 2007

Keeping some food to eat after meal: I shall never do this again, as it gives way for greed to arise. The taste of contenment is higher and more refined than that of any physical food. Moreover, greed is very coarse. The moment greed runs through my mind, I feel that I lose the gentleness and softness of the mind.

Strive on with mindfulness: This is the Buddha's last words. I shall keep this in mind - keep the breath in mind and be mindful at all times.

My meditation is not progressing at all. I am barely able to maintain it where it was when I was in BV. THis is mostly due to my inability to keep the breath in mind at all times. I keep other things in mind instead.

DLMC - Sun 13 May 2007

The value of contentment: This is the basis for happiness to arise. When I'm concented to be where I am, I start to think of giving, servicing. I put energy into thinking how to develop goodness within me: I can reach out to this person in this way, I can be more proactive, I am grateful to that person for this reason, I can do more, I can give more, and I"m more than happy to do so. Conversely, when I'm discontented, the focus of attention is more on myself: where ELSE can I go so taht I can derive more benefit from staying in the place? What keeps me from leaving? How do I get the most out of staying put where I am?

In hindsight, I have been very discontented with staying at home. The insight is that I am discontented here too - was. This insight is so liberating, for I get to see that the source of discontentment is not outside of me - how the external environment is, but it is inside of me - what is my take on the environment I am in. When I am contented, I'm full; when I'm full, I'm happy. When I"m happy, I can give. I open up. Metta flows. On the contrary, when I'm discontented, I'm hungry. When I'm hungry, I grab. When I grab, I'm burned. When I'm burned, I'm unhappy.

In fact, that's the reason behind my inner happiness. I have, all this while, learnt to be contented - with what I have, wehre I am, what I am. I am Santussako - one who is contented.

I have gained so much in my staying here, especially because Ven. Hui Guang is not around. He was the main reason I chose to come here, and when my reason to come ceased to be, I have to reason out with myself in order to stay here. Now my reason is Ajaan Senit. It is not too difficult to see that if my reason to be is outside of me, sooner or later I will have to suffer, for external conditions keep changing. Watch out!

DLMC - Sat 12 May 2007

The last few days. I start to really settle down. How long it takes. Previously the heart has been a little restless : thinking of other center to go to, finding ways to boost my meditaiton practice, convincing myself of my reasons for staying here. Only lately the heart really settles down. And when it settles down like this, it goes with the flow. There is not much of internal struggle.

The practice has been on the down side because I gave in to lust - thinking of the positive attributes of AS to the point where infatuation and attachment arose. It is at this point that I am able to cearly discern the difference between attachment-love and metta-love. With Sayalay, there is a lot of metta and I'm willing to do anything for her, AND I am happy and rejoice when other people approach her, help and serve her. With AS, the love is not taht pure. There is a tendency for possessiveness, and I was not happy when Amy has the opportunity to approach him while I don't. Metta frees one, while attachment-love imprisons one. This drawback, and the fall of my practice, is enough to bring me back to my senses. In any case, I do not wish to do anything inappropriate. I do not wish to cause trouble to AS either. Nevertheless, I'm very grateful to him for serving as a living example of a contemplative: not being burdensome, not imposing to his fellow monks, being sensitive, being kind and helpful, and doing service when the need arises - switching on the fans in the meditation hall, sweeping and mopping the floor, cleaning up the altar, pulling down the blind, doing all these without thinking that those are the things we laity have to do. He doesn't preach much cause he doesn't speak our language, but his calm and gentle demeanor and his impeccable conduct speak volumes, and that is enough to make me stay, and be happy to stay on. =)

DLMC - Mon 7 May 07

Sat 3.5 hour today. Didn't take afternoon nap but I'm not the least bit tired. Meditation went well.

Am very impressed (or attached? haha...) with AS - he's so gentle, attentive and observant. Yesterday he handed me a pipe to flow water to the water drain. And it seems that he has actually cleared the dirty mop water that I soaked yesterday. He seems to observe me. At the very least, he noticed me. In fact, all the 3 Thai monks are very kind and gentle. AL handed me a straw to catch small insects with. Luang Por asked me if I have applied the medicine the doctor gave me. Language barrier didn't stand in the way of our communication channel at all. I feel so comfortable and so happy being here, bearing witness to the monks' kindness and gentleness. It makes me feel soft, gentle and kind inside too.

During the period just after Hui Guang shifu left the centre, I had some down period - I thought the time when shifu is not around is gonna be a difficult time for the yogis here: lay support will be lacking, few yogis will come, and I will be left to do all the work. That is not the case at all. In fact, Hui Guang Shi's absence seems to be a blessing in disguise: I come to understand and come into closer contact wiht the monks.

Am contemplating "Bi Guan" again but I think I won't do it this time. Everything out ehre is just the conditions I need for my practice to florish: the presence of the Sangha, communal practice, group meditation, morning and evening chanting, and opportunity to serve the centre and the Sangha. Also, this is the perfect condtion to train up all-round round-the-clock mindfulness. That said, I have got to straighten up my discipline: talk little, eat little, sleep little, work a lot, meditate a lot. The conditions out here give me a lot of reasons to rejoice and be happy, and that is what I need for my meditation. My mind settles down pretty easily. I just have to watch out for frivolous talks - an unnecessary waste of time.

I want to, and need to, refine my behavior: don't laugh too loudly, walk slowly and gently, don't eat while standing, be mindful all the time.

Dealing with greed for food :my mind gave me the answer last night - contemplate on the drawbacks of the food, the repulsiveness of food. I shall try to work on it.

DLMC - Sat 5 May 2007

I stop fighting - finding fault with people in my mind. In its place, there's a flowing metta energy. It feels like coming back to health.

Yesterday Ajaan Labho talked about being happy with each movement, each step, each minute, each second, each breath. In short, establish sati and sampajanna with each moment.

The Hong Kong Yogi Liang Xin taught me to be aware of my mouth and chewing movement with every mouthful of food. That helped me to be more mindful when I eat.

Still have yet to overcome greed for food. I develop bad habit rather quickly - stuffing food into my mouth when I'm packing and tidying up the place. Antidote for animosity and aversin is metta. Antidote for greed: contentment?

Yesterday meditation was pretty bad cos I seriously lacked sleep. Sleep only 4 hours the night before. The mind was not able to give rise to enough energy to sustain mindfulness.

Was and still am, very encouraged to see the monks' friendliness, care and kindness towards each other. On my part, I shall treat the other yogis likewise.

Come to think of it, I"m actually working - work to accumulate kamma points.

Garavo ca nivato ca santutthi ca katannuta: very important qualities of mind to be developed - respect, humility, contentment, gratitude.

I want to ordain the heart and train myself the way a recluse/ ordained person is trained.

DLMC - Fri 27 Apr 2007

Meditation: never allow the mind to wander off. As soon as you notice some vibration in the mind, re-establish mindfulness and bring attention closely to the object at hand. Otherwise the mind will weaken and fall into bhavanga easily.

Decide once again to stay on, especially at the time when Ven. Hui Guang is not around. This is the time to strengthen my practice in the face of unfavourable conditions.

Look at everyone from their good points - there're bound to be some if we look closely enough - and appreciate them for that. I was taken into EH's negative comment on CS and thus viewed him negatively. Looking back, that's a silly thing to do. Whether other people do work or not, that's their business. My business is to do whatever I can, in the time I have, and stop at that. Or rejoice at that. And to take care of my own mind not to fall for the deceit of the defilements.

Thinking negatively about other people, even if their behavior is really depictable, only weighs the mind down. And this perception will shapre the way I interpret the person's behavior, which is bound to be negative as well. So even if this person has some good points, I won't see it cause my view is blocked by the pre-conceive negative perception. So learn to look with two eyes.

Intend to keep 9 precepts, the last one being to radiate metta regularly.

DLMC - Tue 24 Apr 2007

Be restraint in senses

Ajaan Geoff: If you really exercise restraint over the senses - if you notice when the mind is getting worked up in an unskillful direction and you counter it immediately - that's developing mindfulness and alerness right there.

So what I've been doing count as being mindful. No wonder my mind settles down easily. =)

I have the tendency to fall for greed for food. Got to watch out for this. I want people to see me when I'm being good: doing work, meditating, exercising restraint, and don't want them to see me when I'm being not-so-good: eating without restraint. That counts as subtle hypocrysy, or perhaps blatant one. To counter it: work/ do good privately, and if I have to follow my greed for food, do so in the open.

Meditation: did an almost 1.5 hour of absorption with some wandering thoguhts. Somehow, the wandering thoughts make the mind restless. Or maybe the other way round. But I suppose I did establish some peace in my sitting as it get carried over afterwards. And the mind is so alert that I could read at lightning speed.

Seems like my reading speed depends on the level of alertness in the mind.

Determine to do yoga stretching twice a day, but am happy enough to be able to do it once. The body can be taught, so can the mind. What I can't do two days ago, I can do now.

Covetousness: want to have eyes like Tan. Geoff's: Kindly-and-highly-alert eyes. Holding on to it - wanting to have them as soon as possible - causes some stress in the mind. At the notice of this, the mind immediately released its holding, and focus instead on the causes: Spread thoughts of metta and be mindful at all times. The same applies to meditaiotn. When I want to do absoprtion as quickly as possible, the mind doesn't want to settle down. I have to focus on the present; focus on the causes.

It seems that the way I work with my mind and my meditation agrees with Tan Geoff's way. Many of the articles in the book "Meditation 2" reflect my own practice and how I have dealt with my mind.

DLMC - Mon 23 Apr 2007

Meditation: Did 1.5 hour absorption and was very happy I did it. Start to get the balance. Need to still the wandering thoughts, then my work is done.

Saw cat's faeces last night and the sense of disgust engulfed me, almost drawn me. Stilled the mind and looked at it as physical element. I cleaned it up this morning, without the sense of disgust anymore. It's amazing how, when I was overcome with disgust, it took over my mind that the faeces seems so overwhelming. In fact it is just a small thing. The mind is making a mountain out of a mole hill.

There seems to be a persistent sense of urgency: I can't be lazy, have to put in effort, cos I don't know when I will die. I don't want death to catch me when I'm not mindful. Thus, be mindful all the time. And spread metta all the time too. The devas seem to respond to the metta energy, the way they do in BV.

Shall be mindful of my speech. Talk only when necessary. Avoid idle chatter. Keep noble silence as much as possible.

I'm not going into the "Bi Guan Suo" now as I need all those supporting conditions for my practice: opportunity to do service for the centre, exercise, being mindful off-cushion and while relating to people, enough rest, coffee.

Yesterday I was out of sort. I seemed a little disconnected from the world around me. Can't feel much joy and the meditation flatted. Attacked by Mara? Last night's evening puja saved me. I didn't do anything unwholesome though. Just find it strange how it happened. Not because I don't get enough rest for sure.

Maechee PJ talked to me about her problem yesterday. I have her a lengthy advice, but I think it felt on deaf ears. The main problem: She's not happy with shifu's reply. When doing problem-solving, attack it right at the root of the problem. Then remain quiet. I can offer a listening ear at best. No need for further advice.

DLMC - Fri 20 Apr 2007

Renounce greed, aversion, delusion

Be mindful at all times.

Whatever difficult people I encounter, that is opportunity for me to practice. If I'm offended or become defensive, that's a sign that pride is taking hold of my mind. Attack that pride. Work on that pride. Bow down to everyone. Learn from everyone, everything, every event.

Everyone is my teacher. There is bound to be something of value I can pick up, be it from the person's good behavior - of which I can emulate, or bad behavior - which I should refrain from, or difficult behavior - by which I can use to test myself, my own attachment, ego and pride, and how far Dhamma has brought me.

I have an inner teacher that is watching over my shoulder at all times - mindfulness.

My spiritual mother and father: Sayalay Dipankara and Ven. Hui Guang

Radiate metta in all waking moments, to all beings.

Protect the mind. Don't let it wander off after unwholesome thoughts/ objects.

Thought about John's "Pretend to keep the 8 precepts": If I'm in the wrong, I shall rectify myself. Otherwise, I shall put the matter to rest. No fault-finding. The dirt in my mind I shall cleanse. The dirt in others' mind is none of my business.

K's "run away from society": I know how a mind that is running away is like. I know what I am doing and why I am doing it. That much is enough. There is no need to defend myself. No need to explain myself. Put the matter to rest.

E's "Theoretical Dhamma": If it is so, so be it. The teachers I'm learning from teach in accordance to the Dhamma.

Coming here to practice at DLMC: This is the golden opportunity for me to train my mind to be mindful at all times. Also, I have the space and time to explore the breath and meditation. Just dont' lose sight of the goal, and never be lazy. I don't want death to strike at the moment I'm unmindful.

DLMC (Dhamma Light Meditation Centre) - Thu 19 Apr 2007

On the breath: One step at a time, one breath at a time. This is really helpful. Don't think too far into the future. This is wandering thought, unskillful use of the future.

When the mind started to move away from the breath, will the mind to look at the breath. That is all it takes.

Move on to the nimitta only when the mind is strongly and stably focused on the breath.

Dealing with greed: This has been my main preoccupation since I came here last Wed (11th Apr). Initially greed for food was very strong and the more I tried to subdue it, the more strongly it charged back at me. 2 days ago I ate too much, resulting in heaviness of body and a very uncomfortable sense of discomfort. Yesterday I seemed to develop a distaste for food, and for meat -- the main culprit for my feeling of heaviness. The result: lightness of body, easeness in meditation. That is enough to keep me going without overstuffing myself ever again.

Mindfulness: I have to develop this to make it more continous. That way, I will never have to leave my meditation ever again.
Be honest

Practice loving kindness everyday

Learn from everybody. Everybody is my teacher

Tune in to the surrounding and people around

I'm Back

Been away for quite a while and haven't been updating this blog for a long while. =) I wrote some notes in my recent retreat in Api-Api, Pontian, recording the difficulties I faced in the course of my practice, insights that come along, and my states of mind at that point in time.

Reading through my notes, I noticed a pattern: certain themes are mentioned again and again, like mindfulness and loving kindness; and certain things observed over time turned out to be an insight, like the value of contentment. There're difficulties that I face and over time and through experiments, find the answers or solutions of. On the whole, it serves to remind me of what went through my mind at that point in time, what are the challenges I face and how I work on them. I could well summarized whatever I've picked up throughout the process, but I choose to re-write them the way I have written them -- in the language I talk to myself, trying to be as faithful to myself as possible.

It's my own defilements that I'm working against here, and I do not want to hide them but lay them out in the open so that everyone can see, so that the kilesas can exercise a little bit sense of restraint. Should any knowledgeable person come across this blog and wish to offer words of caution, advice, insights, and admonition, you are most welcomed to do so. I need sandpaper to smoothen my rough edges. =)

Planting the Seed

On my way back home today, I reflected about "planting the seed". Often, we hear people talk about planting the seed of Dhamma when they attempt to bring friends to listen to Dhamma talks or Dhamma-related activities. Flashing back my memory to my visit to Thailand last year, I remembered how sister Esther, in her silent effort to support you in your meditation, immediately sat up from her lying position as soon as I lied down. Her sensitivity and kindness left a deep impression in my heart. That, to me, is the real 'planting the seed', done silently, without advertising. Even today, when I think about it, and now when I'm typing it, it still moves me.

For me, it's still a long way to go. My qualities are untested, having always been practicing in peace and never encountering any real difficulties. I'm grateful for those moments when I'm tested, when I met people whom I can't stand, when I'm hurt because of my own ego and unmet (or unrealistic) expectations. In their little ways, they help to shape me and smoothen my edges. Those occasions are my opportunities to put to test whatever qualities I've been trying to practice -- and my responses are the mirror to my mind.

Birthday Surprise

This year’s Birthday Surprise is truly a surprise. My brother sneaked out to get me a birthday cake meant to be a surprise for me. As we’re very close, we usually don’t keep anything from each other. So when I asked him where he has been and he didn’t want to tell me but instead told me that I was not his mom and need not know his every movement, I was…. Heart-broken. Hurt. The tender part in my heart shaked. I did not expect the sudden turn of attitude of his, and kept very quiet for a while. The thought that immediately strike me was: “Had I been too controlling all this while that he reacted in such a way?”

My brother couldn’t stand my quietness and scared that he would create further bad kamma, so he had to break the secret by telling me where he had been earlier: he went to buy a cake. When I was told this, I cried silently and smiled surreptitiously; the heart felt relief.

That incident is a great birthday gift, unexpected but deeply appreciated. Not the cake but the lesson itself. It’s truly a good mirror for me to look into my mind. Just one word and there it goes: I got all upset. Even as I was feeling upset, I could see that it was all because I was unmindful that I was caught up here in this feeling. The feeling didn’t go away immediately of course, but I allowed it to be. It didn’t stay too long though, ‘cos my brother quickly came to my rescue, and to his own rescue as well. We had a good laugh after that and that ended the chapter for today. =)

Life in Heaven

Retreat life is really like life in heaven: there is no stress, no quarrel, no fighting. Everywhere there is peace, happiness, joy. Everyone becomes beautiful during the retreat.
I thoroughly enjoyed every part of this retreat. It is as if I have died from one place of existence (the normal day-to-day working life that I have now) and was reborn in another plane of existence (that of the retreat). I was almost totally cut off from my previous existence and was wholly there in the retreat: in body and mind. Felt very happy almost all the time.

I used to think that dhamma workers can’t really dedicate themselves in practice as they have some responsibilities to fulfill during retreat. What happened was a complete opposite. I was so happy doing the Dhamma work for the retreat that it actually helped in the concentration. The mind was happy so it settled down easily. I was also very happy to know that all the Dhamma workers made some progress in their meditation practice. It’s very encouraging and heartening to know that. There was an interesting observation I made of my mind: on the first day of retreat, I didn’t have much thing to do, so I could meditate the whole day and the concentration was very good during that time. On the second day, there were handing-taking over to be done as the treasurer has to leave and I was to take over her duty. There was lack of helpers in the kitchen as well so I also had to help out in the kitchen. Somehow, the whole day I was occupied with something and could hardly find time to meditate. That day the concentration dropped. The third day I was fighting for time to meditate, and the mind was agitated as I tried to find as much time to meditate as possible. So the day after that, I changed my strategy: I went with the flow. Whenever I was having some duty, I would fulfill my duty. When I was off duty, I would meditate. I stopped fighting. As a result, the progress in concentration became smooth. I found that when the mind stopped fighting, having to run errands and taking some duties during retreat don’t hinder concentration at all. On the contrary, doing dhamma work actually supports the practice, as it gladdens the mind, which is a very important ingredient in meditation.

There was another contrast in this retreat from other retreats I attended. In retreats, usually I had a ritual of counting down the days. The nearer it is to the end of retreat, the more precious the time is and I would put in all effort to practice harder and harder. There was this feeling that I need to rush as the retreat is coming to the end. This time round, I didn’t do the counting down. Everyday is a new beginning and a new ending. There were no rush, no fighting for time, just relaxed effort to continue the practice. It is as if the mind stops running, yet the effort continues.

Thanks to the yogis, the whole retreat setting is really very inviting for practice. Once I walked down to rest after sitting, and as I walked out to the main shrine hall in the first floor, I saw some yogis doing sitting meditation, some doing walking meditation. Naturally, I walked in and joined the pack in their meditation practice. I saw some other people walking down to the hall and joined us as well. Sadhu to everyone.

I’d like to echo what Sayalay said: that this whole retreat’s atmosphere was very good. When she first came to Bekok, she was not well physically and she felt like she has no energy. But during retreat, she recovered somewhat and even managed to give Dhamma talks every night, despite having prepared a CD of her talks in case she has no energy to give talk during the retreat. When I arrived at Bekok, I also felt low energy. But starting from the first day of retreat, I felt so energized that I got by with at most 5 hours of sleep a day – without feeling tired or sleepy at all throughout the day.

Really appreciate Sayalay’s compassion to all of us in every way. Sayalay is a very skillful teacher. She’s very sharp and she makes use of every possible occasion to teach us Dhamma. In our interview with Sayalay, one yogi reported that she saw plates during her meditation because she washed so many plates during the day. Sayalay said we can reflect that the plates were initially dirty but after being washed they become clean. As we washed the plates, we have to reflect that that is how we have to clean our mind. She related the occasion during the Buddha’s time when the Buddha taught a monk who was very slow the Dhamma by asking him to clean a piece of cloth. As he tried to clean the cloth, it actually got dirty by his own sweat. Through the whole process, he actually penetrated the Dhamma and attained arahantship. Whenever Sayalay gives Dhamma talks, I always feel as if I am present at the time of the Buddha. Sayalay makes us feel so close to the Buddha and the Dhamma. The Dhamma that Sayalay shared with us is very deep.

It was such a privilege to work with this group of Dhamma workers from CMC (Cakkavala Meditation Centre). They are all people with very good heart and good qualities of mind and I learnt a lot from them. All are my family, all are my teachers. During meal time, usually the dhamma workers will go down earlier to the kitchen to prepare for the meal. There was one occasion when we the Dhamma workers were left with hardly anything on our table as there were not enough food for everyone. That was what I thought at first. Yet the Dhamma workers didn’t seem concerned about the lack of food for ourselves at all. On the other hand, we tried our very best that the yogis have enough to eat. With little food on our table, we laughed with each other. I felt very happy sitting together with them, because the people I was with were beautiful people – people who cared for others and gave their best to others. I didn’t mind having to go hungry that day. But it didn’t happen, as after some time there were excess from other tables and it was redistributed to our table.

I really enjoyed the silence as well. I enjoyed watching the yogis silently walked pass to get their food, and then we all sat quietly waiting to do the food reflection together. I liked the time when we offered food to the Sangha, especially the time when we do it together as one: everyone in the retreat was involved and everyone ceremonially offered the meal dana to the sangha. It was really very beautiful: a very beautiful picture that we all painted together.

The list of people that I have to thank is endless. When I ate the food during retreat, I reflected that it was due to the cook and the kitchen helpers that we could have this food. Then there were the donors. Then there were the suppliers. Then there were the Dhamma workers who worked silently (well, maybe not so silent) behind the scene to ensure that the retreat run smoothly. There seem to be an endless list of people to be grateful for as I thought back. To support them in fulfilling their merits, I tried my very best to put in all effort in the practice. I’m also very grateful to one of the yogis who feedback that the Dhamma workers were quite noisy and as Dhamma workers, we should set an example of practicing the noble silence so that the yogis could follow suit. To be good Dhamma workers, we have to practice the Dhamma ourselves and be mindful of our actions. Really grateful for the timely reminder.

My life in this retreat is short: it only last 8 days. Even though it’s so short, but it’s really very enjoyable. Really fulfilling. Now that I’m reborn back in the suffering world (back to working life, that is), I have to re-adjust back to the normal non-retreat life again. But it doesn’t seem all that difficult. I was having inertia for having to go back to work, but as I reflected this morning, it’s not very helpful to think that way. Instead of thinking of abandoning my work, I can think of abandoning the past bad habits and negative qualities of mind – that of stinginess, pettiness, calculativeness, inconsideration, selfishness. I can think of developing and strengthening the good qualities that I have learnt through the retreat: that of kindness, helpfulness, selfless giving, generosity.

Metta In Action

I was very angry when my father didn’t allow me to go for the one-month retreat in May Myo. I told my brother: “My decision is final. I shall go, whether our parents give consent or not. I life my life my way, and I will not allow anyone to control me.” I was very hard and uncompromising at that time. Even though I knew right there and then that it was very childish of me to react this way, I have yet to find a way to respond better. Not until I read the book “Metta” by Sayadaw U. Indika. As I read, my mind flashed back to the incident in the afternoon. As my heart softens, my attitude and feelings towards my parents follow suit. I started to think that I need to take care of their feelings, and whether or not I am allowed to go for the retreat in the end, that would be fine. It is such a contrast to my attitude in the afternoon.

Later on, as I reflected further, I told myself: No, I don’t want my pursuit of the path to be tainted by my unskillful responses that give rise and strengthen the defilements in myself and in others, especially my parents. If I continue on this way, I may complete cut off the path of Dhamma for my parents. Instead of giving them the opportunity to see the beauty of the path and the taste of Dhamma, I may actually make them feel resentful for the path whose pursuit takes their daughter away from them, despite myself. Instead of offering kindness, openness and understanding, I come down plain hard on them, closing my ears tight, thinking: “They simply don’t understand what I give all my heart for and there is no way for me to bring them to a common understanding.”

Even though now I have yet to find a way to talk them into allowing me to go for longer practice, I have come to terms with the fact that they don’t understand what I’m pursuing. I will try my very best to offer them kindness, respect, understanding, acceptance – the very things in the practice that attracted me in the first place. That is a more real way to practice: to see it and practice the Dhamma in every way and every part of my life, rather than limiting it to only the meditation cushion.

Mana

I've just been to Sayadaw Pa Auk Retreat (5-13 Nov 05). The retreat was rejuvenating, for a simple reason: Because it is a retreat. =) It's a means for me to detox from the ills of the mind, and indeed there're many ills that I need to release out of my system. As a rule, the first two days of retreat are the time when all the bad things surfaced, just like the process you go through when you detox your body. Afterwards, the mind becomes more joyful and light. There're a number of themes my mind took on to reflect upon, among which mana(conceit) is one. Here's a summarized version:


Mana (conceit) is an enemy tat's often mistaken as friend. Often in retreats, I got to see my mana manifesting itself in many subtle forms, to the point where I get really embarrassed: “So all these are mana. How foolish I have been led along by it”. For eg, I thought: I'm better than this person in such and such a way. This is mana, because it rests on the premise that there is a solid “I” that in such and such a way is better than some solid “others”.

Defilements don't differentiate between practitioners and non-practitioners, dont' differentiate me and others. Just as it's possibly manifested in others, it is possibly manifested in myself as well. After all, I'm still just a puthujhana (Wordling). Defilements attack all those whose mind is weak.

It means that, just as others, being triggered in such and such a way, feel hurt, painful, angry, oppressed, frustrated, etc, I too may feel the same. I often reacted in an unskillful way, simply because I'm a puthujhana. Others behave and reacted in unskillful ways as well, because they're puthujhana. We're unskillful because we're still deluded by ignorance.

I'm just like others, others are just like me. It's not about me or you or others, it's about defilements manifesting themselves in one form or another. Visited by the same defilement, we often react in the same way or hold the same feelings or emotions.

It's very humbling to think that I'm still a puthujhana rather than someone who's a better practitioner. It’s humbling and kind as well, ‘cause it's a way to forgive myself and others for whatever wrong could have been done.

Mana is disgracing, no matter where they manifest themselves, in you, in me, in anyone. And that is our real enemy: Mana, not anyone else. The real enemy is inside, not outside. The real battle is fought within, not without.

The Gift of Forgiveness

At first I thought you were at fault
I was pointing finger at you
My heart was hard, cold, closed.

I look and look
and see that it was I who was wrong
I admit wrong
and apologize
My heart softens, warms, opens.

The door of my heart is always, again, open for you
No matter what you do to me

You are important to me
and I only wish you well and happy
that is all I want
and that is enough
I want nothing else from you

I am a little grass
You can step on me but you will never hurt me
and I will not hurt you back
and I will always stand tall
facing the sky
welcoming.... each.... moment....

Lesson From a Mango Tree

Thus, for one who is practicing with awareness, it isn't necessary to have someone to advise and teach all that much to be able to see and understand. An example is the case of the Buddha who, in a previous life, was King Chanokomun. He didn't need to study very much. All he had to do was observe a mango tree.

One day, while visiting a park with his retinue of ministers, from atop his elephant, he spied some mango tees heavily laden with ripe fruit. Not being able to stop at that time, he determined in his mind to return later to partake of some. Little did he know, however, that his ministers, coming along behind, would greedily gather them all up; that they would use poles to knock them down, beating and breaking the branches and tearing and scattering the leaves.

Returning in the evening to the mango grove, the king, already imagining in his mind the delicious taste of the mangoes, suddenly discovered that they were all gone, completely finished! And not only that, but the branches and leaves had been thoroughly thrashed and scattered.

The king, quite disappointed and upset, then noticed another mango tree nearby with its leaves and branches still intact. He wondered why. He then realized it was because that tree had no fruit. If a tree has no fruit nobody disturbs it and so its leaves and branches are not damaged. This lesson kept him absorbed in thought all the way back to the palace: "It is unpleasant, troublesome and difficult to be a king. It requires constant concern for all his subjects. What if there are attempts to attack, plunder and seize parts of his kingdom?" He could not rest peacefully; even in his sleep he was disturbed by dreams.

He saw in his mind, once again, the mango tree without fruit and its undamaged leaves and branches. "If we become similar to that mango tree," he thought, "our "leaves" and "branches," too, would not be damaged."

In his chamber he sat and meditated. Finally, he decided to ordain as a monk, having been inspired by this lesson of the mango tree. He compared himself to that mango tree and concluded that if one didn't become involved in the ways of the world, one would be truly independent, free from worries or difficulties. The mind would be untroubled. Reflecting thus, he ordained.

From then on, wherever he went, when asked who his teacher was, he would answer, "A mango tree." He didn't need to receive teaching all that much. A mango tree was the cause of his Awakening to the Opanayiko-Dhamma, the teaching leading inwards. And with this Awakening, he became a monk, one who has few concerns, is content with little, and who delights in solitude. His royal status given up, his mind was finally at peace.

From: http://accesstoinsight.org/lib/thai/chah/bodhinyana.html#reading

I read this story quite a while ago, but it left a very deep impression in my heart. The wisdom contains in that small piece of writing still stays with me up to this day, being the basic principle with which I see things and carry myself.

Many things I read afterwards fall along the same line, affirming me that this is indeed the path. Below are the examples:

“May I have nothing to do with honor, and honor nothing to do with me.” ~ The Buddha
http://accesstoinsight.org/canon/sutta/anguttara/an05-030.html

“When I went to Wat Asokaram -- a very large monastery -- for my first Rains Retreat, Ajaan Fuang told me, "If they ask you questions in Thai, answer in English. If they ask in English, answer in Thai. After a while they'll get tired to talking to you, and will leave you alone to meditate."
http://accesstoinsight.org/lib/thai/fuang/itself.html


When I read the story, I told myself, “I want to be the mango with few leaves and fruits.” In other words, I do not hold the wish to be regarded as someone of particular importance; I do not wish to possess so many skills and knowledge. If I am someone of importance or well-regarded, a lot of people will swarm around me. Instead of spending time striving on the path, I will have to spend a lot of time off the path. On the other hand, if I’m someone of no importance, I will be left on my own. I can then spend time practicing without any burden whatsoever that comes from the imposing expectations others lay onto me or from having to fulfill whatever expectations I have on myself so as to be regarded as “good”. Whatever others think or say of me, that is their business. My business is to keep on striving with appamado, keep on perfecting the factors that constitute the path—Sila, Samadhi and Panna, to keep working on the most important task in my life – the work of driving defilements out of the mind. It’s not with self-conceit and disregard for others that one says “Whatever others think or say of me is their business”. Conversely, it is said with the understanding of what are and are not for one to be concerned with, and what concerning which will benefit one’s striving on the path. It really simplifies matters, as one knows exactly what are within one’s area of control and choice and what are more beneficial for one to work on.

Having no concern for honor saves one a lot of burden and trouble that comes from a mind wishing affirmation from others that one is good. One does good because one knows the value of so doing, not because one wants to be praised by others or to be well-regarded. It doesn’t matter whether one is praised or blamed – one is simply unconcerned.

At the beginning, I find blame more useful that praise because when I’m blamed (or scolded for that matter) I’m brought back to my senses and I could clearly see whether I am affected by what was said, and if so, to what extent.

Later on, I started to see the harm in praise as well. I remembered being praised (sincerely and what was said was indeed true) and I started to feel bigger than myself all at once. Affirmative thoughts of what were said came flooding into my mind as if they are afraid that I would forget them. It took quite a while before my mind would come back to its original neutral stand. The process is very much the same as that of being blamed – the blame will reverberate in one’s mind, and then there will be a lot of self-talk (mind you, it may take up to one day or even more if one is not aware) and rebuttal of how off the mark the blame was.

Of the two contrast experiences (being praised or blamed), one thing is clear: whether being praised or blamed, if one reacts, it only serves to strengthen one’s ego – one’s sense of self, one’s attachment to self. In this way, they are of equal value.

Self-Conceit VS Trust

If not for a request for article by SPBS, I wouldn't have opened up my folder and read my writings. :)

It has been a while that I don't write and can't write lengthily. When it comes to writing, I have almost nothing to write about. The mind just goes 'plong' - blank. Even at times when I have the inspiration to write, what comes out is only a very summarized version. Find the writing below has a good point to offer. Just like to share it with whoever frequent my blog. May you be well and happy. :)


*****

We can use explosives to level a mountain and then move the earth. But the tight grasping of our self-conceit--oh man! The wise can teach us to our dying day, but they can't get rid of it. It remains hard and fast. Our wrong ideas and bad tendencies remain so solid and unbudging, and we're not aware of it. So the wise have said that removing this self-conceit and turning wrong understanding into right understanding is about the hardest thing to do.
From: Ajahn Chah – Understanding Dukkha

How true it is. In the course of our practice of the path, self-conceit is to be feared most. Looking back, I realized there’re times when I don’t see others’ point of view simply because I hold on tightly to my self-conceit. There’re times when I thought I’ve understood so much so that no one is better than I am. What illusion! And that self-conceit is by far the biggest stumbling block to our progress in the path.

Now that I see how dangerous self-conceit is, I always make it a point to keep self-conceit in check. No true communication and learning can take place between teacher-student if one maintains one’s self-conceit. Indeed, if we put down our self-conceit, we open up the possibility for our learning by a great degree. Recently I have a lot of two-way-discussions with a Dhamma sister whom I deem to be very advanced in her practice. When we talk, I trust her 100%. I don’t doubt her at all, and I am very sure that whatever she told me is for my benefit. She would point out to me where I make mistakes, and I would listen. She would show me,” See, this is your 5 hindrances [1] overpowering you”, and I would check myself to see the 5 hindrances, instead of talking back and said that she’s misunderstood me.

Over time, I come to see how this attitude benefits me so much. If I were to hold on to my self-conceit and refuse to listen to her, or if I doubt her, all I would have to deal with is my emerging self-conceit and pride. This self-conceit and pride stand in the way of my learning process, and I would lose the opportunity to deal with the 5 hindrances directly, with the help of a precious teacher. So when I listen to her, I put my self-conceit to rest. And I listen to her whole-heartedly and check myself to see where I have done wrong. Our communication deepens, because we trust each other and are willing to learn from each other, and we both know that we care for each other’s welfare and progress in the path.

This attitude of trusting is very valuable, and I get to appreciate it more and more. It’s because she knows that I trust her and that I know she doesn’t tell me things just so that I know how good she is but for my benefit, that she is willing to guide me and help me in areas where I have difficulties. And when she asks me questions, I would tell her what really is, without fearing that she would misunderstand me or that she would think badly of me or that the information I give her will harm her in certain ways or hamper her progress. We learn so much through trusting each other.

Self-conceit makes one wants to win a conversation just to feel that “I am right” and strive to steer the conversation in a way that others would agree that “I am right”, and more often than not ending up not letting one have a satisfying conversation/ discussion with others because one can’t convince others that one is right. One of my friends once told me, “We can never have a satisfying discussion because everyone thinks he is right and wants to convince others so. And everyone’s opinions differ.”

On the other hand, trusting each other allows us to have very satisfying discussions. We always end up feeling that we’ve learnt very valuable lessons from the other. And we always want to come back for more. I am keen to learn where I have done wrong, where I’ve developed unwholesome attitudes, and she’s willing to point out to me. Whatever she says enriches my understanding and sometimes it becomes food for thought for me. At the end of the day, I only feel deep gratitude to her, for pointing out the way to me. I feel that she takes care of me just like a mother would to her child. And for that, I’m deeply thankful.



[1] The Five Hindrances are: sensual desire, ill-will, sloth and torpor, restlessness and remorse, and doubt. For more information on the Five Hindrances, see http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/bps/wheels/wheel026.html

Sweet Love

I've just browsed through my collection of 'Reflections'... things I've reflected on and written about, mostly personal, and come across this piece. Though written quite a long while back, it captured an important part of my life, in which a big burden in my heart was let go of, gradually but surely. Here I'm again reminded of how the Buddha's teaching has really brought light into my life and change my life forever. Enjoy reading!

*****

My dear friend,

I’d like to share with you my bits for today. It’s just a small part of my life; nevertheless it’s an important one. I’ve seen myself transformed from a small kid to a young girl, an emotionally immature girl who blamed the world for everything wrong that went in her life to one who is appreciative, loving and forgiving. Looking back, I feel that I’ve threaded a long path, each step making up me and myself today; each day leaving a deep memory to recall. Though I don’t write to you everyday, I write in my mind, and I’ve written pages and pages of diaries that are well stored in my subconscious mind.

I’m at the midst of my busiest days, having to accomplish so much in so little time. But instead of rushing to get everything out of the pipeline, I relaxingly arrange my timetable and try to manage my time. What a different attitude it is from what I usually did if I had more things to do than my time allowed. Well, if I’m not too tired, at most I just don’t sleep tonight. That’s what I tell myself.

In the midst of that all, I received my father’s sms, asking me if I was still awake. For a while, I vacillated whether to reply or not. I knew that if I replied, my pa would know that I was still awake and will thus call me. I don’t know how long we’ll talk, but it will definitely take some of my precious time away. If I don’t reply, he wouldn’t know that I was not yet asleep, but he wouldn’t call me. Despite that, I pressed the replied button. Anyway I haven’t been talking to my family members for some time, so this is a good time to catch up with them.

My conjecture was correct. Soon afterwards, he called me. I happily picked up the phone and talked to my family members – my dad, brother and sister. My mom has already slept. While talking to them, I could feel that my heart was warmed with love for them. Though I didn’t say “I love all of you”, I feel it so deeply. And the way we talked to each other was so sweet. We asked each other how we were doing and told each other how we’ve been. Though I haven’t seen them for more than one month now, since I came back to Singapore, somehow I can just tell them how I’m doing and had so much to talk about. If it’s not because I’m reminded that the international phone bill is extremely prohibitive, I wouldn’t have hanged up the phone.

It’s interesting how my attitude has changed throughout these years, especially towards my pa. Two years ago, I picked up his call with a heavy heart. I didn’t really like talking to him. I used to nurse a prejudice against him. That was when I still thought that human beings were static, and that they were born that way. I used to think that if a person was corrupt, he would be forever corrupt, and that his corruptness is solely due to his own impurity of the heart. I thought that every action that one does is independent of other people and is the responsibility of his alone.

Last year, when attending a religious talk, I came to understand that human beings are inter-related. We can’t be ourselves without factoring in the environment in which we grow up and the people around whom our lives revolve. By the same token, my pa is the person he is because of so many determining factors. It may be that he wasn’t so expressive in his feelings because he wasn’t brought up that way. It may be that throughout his lives, he’s encountered incidents that stole trust on others away. And he is constantly influenced by his surroundings, just like he constantly influences me and the way I see the world. That understanding softens my heart, and from that day onwards, I embarked on a journey of self-healing and self-transformation. I started to see that we are at all independent. Whatever actions that we do, whatever behavior that we exhibit, whatever attitude that we have, is learnt one way or the other from our surroundings. I started to see the way to return to my pa.

Throughout these years, I’ve also learnt to love more, to be more honest with myself and with others. Somehow, perhaps unconsciously, I’ve accepted my pa. When I went back home this holiday, I didn’t feel the uneasiness that I felt when I met my father.

And today, I realized that my love has grown even further. I picked up my pa’s call with happiness and eagerness, as if it were my boyfriend who’s called me. I talked on the phone happily, enjoying the flowing of the love from my heart. For the first time since I came to Singapore, I miss home. When talking to them, I can imagine the warm aroma of home – of pa, ma, my brothers and sister. Now I can say without doubt that I love them all.

Gratitude to Parents - How can we feel anything but?

Having just been home recently, of late I reflect a lot on what my parents have done for me, and at such times my heart would melt and I would almost always cry as a result… cry with tears of deep gratitude.


The Buddha said: “Just as a mother would guard her only child, even at the risk of her own life, even so towards all beings, let me cultivate boundless love”.


My mother has 4 children, but even then I have already felt her tremendous love, much less if I were her only child. It really melts my heart how she would go the distance to ensure that we, her children, are well and happy. Just being near her and observe how she takes care of us is enough to know how much she cares for each one of us. At home, I was treated like a king while on the contrary, I feel that I’m the one who should have treated her like a king. How much has she gone through to raise us and take care of us? She would eat the bad food and keep for us the good ones. She doesn’t mind being left cold as long as we’re left warm. It reminds me of the virtues of a mother as told by the Buddha.


I remember reading an article by a monk relating how his mother would eat very little so as to ensure that her children have enough to eat. I’m sure my mom will do that too. But I’m not sure if I will. How embarrassing it is to think that instead of trying all ways to repay our debt of gratitude to our parents, out of our own ignorance and ingratitude, we mistreat them or think of them as unimportant. How blind have I been, that instead of looking at their virtues and emulate them, I zoomed in on their shortcomings and tried to correct them. J What a shame!

Once, I sat down with my mom and thanked her for the many little things she’s done that warm my heart. She asked thank her for what. I said I thank her for preparing my meal, for fixing my clothes, for buying me food that I like, for putting up with me, for taking care of me. She said that those are the things she’s very happy to do. I know I will always owe her. I know I won’t be able to completely repay my debt of her kindness.


So here and now, I make a resolution to be to others what she’s been to me and to give to others what she’s given to me – her kindness, love, warmth and care, as a way to sincerely thank her for all that she’s done for me.

Reflection on Board

Medan, 14th Feb 2005

I was sitting in the waiting room waiting to board the plane, and below is what came to mind then...

There's meeting, there's separation.

In meeting up, the most important is the person we are with.

Why bother so much with petty things, who's right and who's wrong.

Soon we'll have to separate.

Why not treasure the moment and be the best that you can to the ones you love?

If he speaks, listen. Don't talk back.

Be the best that you can to him... for him...

because the only time you can do so is the time when you are with him.

(PS: him == father or anyone U love)

Pervert

I like things that upset many. Hence the title. The earliest occurrence, as far as I can remember, was sparked by Ajahn Lee. Somewhere in his book, he wrote (paraphrased): “Good things are bad things. Bad things are good things. Good things like praise, pleasure, and fame are bad for the heart. Things like criticism and displeasure are good for the heart.” I was pretty puzzled when I first come across this, but after some time, I began to see his point and really appreciated what was said. The deep appreciation comes from the very truth in what Ajahn Lee put across.

Once when I went to a Dhamma class at Mahaprajna, the shifu told us jokingly that he once anyhow gave a Dhamma name Hui Si (Meaning: Can Die) to a lay devotee, and the person got very upset. When I heard that, I thought the name was very nice, and so adopted it myself. I find the name very nice because it’s so much in line with reality, simple yet truthful, in no way trying to deny the truth and instead see it as it really is, in full acceptance.

On another occasion, I read Ajahn Brahm relating a story of the time when he was sick. Ajahn Chah paid him a visit and he got very pleased because he highly regarded Ajahn Chah and it was really an honor to him that Ajahn Chah paid him a visit. However, he got very upset when Ajahn Chah opened his mouth. Instead of consoling him or wishing him well soon, Ajahn Chah said, “You will either get better, or you will die.”

When I read that, I thought that was well-said, and on the right occasion! I would be happy to be offered such words when I got sick. It actually takes quite a bit of courage to speak the truth in such matter-of-factly-manner.

On yet another occasion, BW told me of a strict Zen meditation centre where the teacher will hit the students with a stick if they are sleepy while meditating. I got really excited to learn about that!
There’s a reason for this tendency: I’m constantly seeking for places or occasions that are favourable for cleansing the heart, and getting away from what is favourable to the defilements but endanger the practice! Things that are favourable to the defilements always seem very nice and naturally makes us inclined towards them, like praises, comfort, company of friends, good food, idle talks… Yet, if we let ourselves get carried away by them, they are bound to wipe out the goodness in us: make us forget ourselves, forget the training/ Dhamma, and just be slave to the defilements!

Angulimala

The write-up below is extracted from a mailing list, dated Aug 26th 2004. I wrote this after watching the film "Angulimala", a Thai movie.

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Dear all,
Just wanna share some reflections on the film "Angulimala".

1. In the movie we saw Angulimala being fooled/ deluded by Mara. It looked almost impossible that someone sane will do what he did (kill so many innocent beings), yet in truth (as far as I understand it), what he did is what every man on the street is capable of doing. That includes you and I! There're two factors in play here: Strong faith in something and the power of thought.

Strong Faith
When we have so much faith in someone or something, whatever he says, we'll listen, even though sometimes we may think that it's not common sense.

For example, I have a lot of faith in the Ajahn Lee, who's practicing the Thai Forest Tradition. I trust that what he said is the truth. I regard myself as a blind man, who doesn't see the road in front of me, and he's my guidance, leading me to the direction of light, step by step. I have to trust him and depend on him, because I can't see the light myself, yet. In other words, I practically leave my life in his hand. If he is to lead me astray, he can do so easily, just as Mara can lead Angulimala astray when he trusted him so much. On the other hand, it's necessary to have such strong faith in a teacher to really follow his teaching and thus progress in one's practice. If we doubt the teacher and keep on questioning what he teaches, the truth of which we are yet able to comprehend, when are we ever going to start practicing? It's only when we start practicing that we begin to see the truth of what is taught.

So to have a strong faith in the teacher is necessary for one to start practicing, and to progress in one's practice. However, one must be extremely careful when one chooses a teacher, because if the teacher teaches the wrong thing (just like Mara in this movie), one can easily be led astray.

Power of Thought
Actually to kill someone, all that is required is one thought. That one-thought then leads to another thought, and still another thought, which may weaken or strengten that initial thought. In the case of things one is not used to doing, it takes many accumulation of thoughts to do it. But once it becomes a habit, one does it almost automatically.

What am I trying to say here, is that all of us have the potential to commit the crime that Angulimala committed, if we don't take care of our thoughts carefully. So select your food for thoughts!

In fact, for this reason, I don't see the prisoners as any different from any of us.


2. Angulimala repented when he met the Buddha, and since then never harm any living beings.

This point is especially inspiring for me. To break a habit is extremely difficult, especially if it has been so strongly inculcated into one's character. Angulimala has killed 999 people before he met the Buddha, so the habit energy of killing was pretty strong in him (I suppose). Yet, just a word from the Buddha and he completely refrained from killing!

Are we capable of doing that? When we know that what we've done is wrong, are we able to change ourselves and turn a new leaf overnight? Angulimala can, and he did. Can we?



Fen

Letting Go

Letting go is allowing things to be. We observe, we acknowledge, we know, but we don’t cling to it.

Wanting things to be this way or that way is clinging to becoming (Bhava Tanha).

Not wanting things to be a certain way is clinging to non-becoming (Vibhava Tanha).

Letting go is just letting things be what they are, without any expectation for them to be otherwise. Letting go allows one to stop – stop from running after the never-ending desires: I want this, I want that, I want to be this and that…….

When one lets go, one stops struggling. One who lets go is at peace.

Standard of Practice

How do you gauge how successful you are in what you’re endeavouring?

If it is by how much praises you get, how much you gain materially, that is going by the standard of the world.

By the standard of the Dhamma though, the above are immaterial.

If, however, in doing something, you know that:
You are developing good-will (Metta), compassion (Karuna), appreciation (Mudita) and equanimity (Upekkha),
Or you have less of hatred (Dosa), greed (Lobha) and delusion (Moha),
Then you’re truly successful, as the positive qualities you’re developing and the negative qualities you’re abandoning helps shape you into a beautiful person with a beautiful heart. It’s a sure-fire way to ensure happiness in the world.

And when you are truly happy and at peace with yourself, it doesn’t matter what others say or think about you. You know for yourself who you really are.

Even Though the Body is Sick, Let Not the Mind be Sick

I don’t fall sick often nowadays, but when I do, it’s a great experience. Not that I enjoy being sick, but I learnt a lot from those sick experiences.

The most recent one is two days ago. I was down with a sore throat, flu and fever. Being unmindful, I let the disease overcome me. And it felt as if my whole being was unwell. I wanted to take MC for the next day but couldn’t without seeing a doctor. So I went to see one, unwillingly. The doctor gave me, to my surprise and shock, 5 types of medicine, all of which were cast aside on my return home. I’m not taking any of those!

The Buddha said that there’re three types of sickness (for a full version read http://www.accesstoinsight.org/canon/sutta/anguttara/an03-022.html ):
1. Those that can be cured, whether or not one takes medicine
2. Those that can’t be cured, whether or not one takes medicine
3. Those that can only be cured if one takes medicine

For the first and second, why bother taking any medicine?

For my case, it is the first type. So I decided not to take any of those medicines, and instead use the Dhamma medicine – prescribed by the Buddha. What I did was: keep the mind in shape and make use of the healing power of the breath to cure the disease. Keep the mind in shape means inducing the mind with wholesome qualities: good-will (Metta) and generosity (dana). Making use of the healing power of the breath is done through meditating. The result? I was happy the whole day and the sickness and inconveniences brought about by a sick body didn’t trouble me at all. When I took care of the mind, the well-being of body followed.

What I noticed was: when the body falls sick, only a certain part of it is sick, not the whole body. And in fact, when that certain part is sick, the body has its own mechanism to heal itself. I need not bother with it. I need not wish it to go away. I need not do anything in particular to cure myself. I can just let the sickness be, and let the body do its job. The body falls sick following its nature, and by its nature, it will either get better or get worse. Either way, I need not bother. One can still enjoy a great sense of well being by focusing away from that sick part of the body.

This is the third experience of falling sick that I keenly observe within the last half-year or so (there were other small occurrences, but they come and go so swiftly without me taking any particular notice).

Reverence

Imaya Dhammanu Dhammapatipattiya Buddham Pujemi
Imaya Dhammanu Dhammapatipattiya Dhammam Pujemi
Imaya Dhammanu Dhammapatipattiya Sangham Pujemi
Imaya Dhammanu Dhammapatipattiya Mata pitunam Pujemi
Imaya Dhammanu Dhammapatipattiya Acariyaca Pujemi

Meaning:

With the practice that is in accordance to the Dhamma, I revere the Buddha
With the practice that is in accordance to the Dhamma, I revere the Dhamma
With the practice that is in accordance to the Dhamma, I revere the Sangha
With the practice that is in accordance to the Dhamma, I revere my parents
With the practice that is in accordance to the Dhamma, I revere my teachers


*******

These verses reveberated in my mind the last few days, and it brought with it the memory of my retreat last year with Kaizhao shifu. During the retreat, at the end of each day, shifu led us to chant the verses, but I had no idea what it meant. Only on the last day, the 10th, the booklet was available and I got to see what it meant. When I found out, I was moved to tears. It's because what was said/ chanted was in accordance to what has been practiced for the last 10 days. It was the most sincere offering -- the offering of one's practice as a form of reverence to those who are worthy of reverence. Even now, chanting it at the end of each day feels very meaningful. It's not just an empty chant, simply chanted for the sake of chanting, but a sincere offering that comes from one's practice throughout the day.

~ Santi ~

Attachment

Attachment is sometimes so subtle that we fail to see that it is there. It’s only when one’s attachment to something/ someone is challenged that one realizes one is attached to that something.

Today, I was pained when he didn’t respond to me the way I perceived he used to. Before any thoughts came, the feeling of ‘pain’ seeped in. This is how dangerous attachment is. When one is having a good time getting oneself attached to things, one is not even aware that the attachment is there. But when things turn bad, one started to see how one’s attachment to something causes one to suffer.

This pain is a good thing. It awakens me to the fact that I’m attached to someone, and that attachment causes me suffering. Just as physical pain is a bodily protection mechanism to signal to the body that it is endangered, this mental pain is the same. When the pain arises, I know that it’s the thing that I mentally hold on to – in other words, cling to – that has caused the pain. Consequently, I let him go, the way one who holds fire let it go immediately on realizing that fire is harmful.

We can learn a lot from people or things we are attached to. We can learn a lot about attachment. For me, because I am attached to him, I get to learn many valuable lessons. Even when he doesn’t do anything to hurt or harm me, I’d hurt myself by thinking in this or that way, that he is this or that way, or that this or that is what he intends. For this reason, he’s been a great teacher for me.

In Line with The Dhamma

I do not seek to change other people or external conditions, I seek to be the Dhamma myself. I do not plant the seed by confronting, But waiting in alert to act when apportunity strikes. In that manner I shall live the Dhamma. In that manner I plant the seed of peace. All external conditions shall be my teachers, From whom and which I humbly learn, To understand the defilements deeper and deeper, And understand them so well that I can eventually let go of them.

Peace

When the heart is at peace,
everything is peace,
every moment is peace,
everywhere there is peace.

No matter what one does,
No matter where one goes,
No matter whom one is with,
Even when there's noone to accompany one,
Even when there's nothing one can do,
Even when one has nothing to do,
when the heart is at peace,
one is at peace.

There's no more need for company
There's no more need to look for distraction
There's no more going after external things
There's only stopping.
When the heart stops clinging,
the heart is at peace.
Clinging is the source of ALL suffering.