Did a half-hour swim with J today. All the while I have always swum with googles on, so when I first went down to the water, immediately fear struck me -- fear that I would not be able to do away with googles. Now it seems that fear comes from perception, but that perception is illusory at best and false at worst.
Start to do absorption again after being encouraged by Waichong. Previously it didn't seem to be the case, but now it seems rather obvious that it is doubt that stood in the way of a good absorption.
Ven. Kaizhao named me "Saccanama" as my buddhist name. Of late, the quality of sacca keeps reverberating in the mind. Once I have made a determination to do something, there is also accompanying decision and desire to fulfill it. As of now, this quality of sacca is still very weak. I made unrealistic resolve to do something, only to break it later because I was unable to fulfill it.
This afternoon I ate after 12pm. Actually I have already decided not to eat as it is alreaady past the allowable eating time. Yet when J brought me to a restaurant I just followed suit and just ate. That is how far my resolve brought me. Shall work on this. Remember the Bodhisatta can give up his life for the sake of keepinga pure unblemished precepts. Taking him as my role model, I shall strive to do likewise.
Manage to meditate 4 times today: 1/2 hour in the morning, some time in BL, 1 hour in the afternoon, and 45 min in the evening. The short duration is due to the body's fatigue. Nevertheless, I manage to keep to my determination.
I feel very energized after chanting. All the body's fatique seems to disappear, and the mind is in very good state.
Reflected on mosquitoes: They are very good teachers. And they give me lotsa opportunities to do dana too. Because of the unpleasant after-effect of their bites, the mind has to learn to be paitent, to accept the itchty sensation and to radiate metta towards them. The frequency of their bites means ample opportunity to practice in DLMC.
Today I remembered the person whom I believe has cheated me and many others. I thought this man has a good talent, unfortunately he doesn't use it wisely. He is harming himself without knowing it by accumulating unwhilesome kamma. As I thought of him, I naturally wish him to be well and happy. There was no ill will at all. I know I was cheated, but it is ok. It's ok because throughout the process of buying the good (being aware that he may be cheating me) to finding out that I am indeed being cheated, there was no unwholesome thoughts arising in me. I attributed this natural tendency to wish for the well-being of the man who has cheated me to the training I've got from teacher mosquitoes.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Havenangh House, Singapore. Fri 8 Jun 2007
I've just done a one-and-a-half hour sitting and 45-min chanting. During these two activities, some thoughts run through my mind. Will write on the thoughts here.
Mental habit: Just as we have physical habits-- brush up and bathe immediately after waking up, wash up before bed, consume coffee daily, meditate at certain time of the day, we also have mental habits -- the way we mentally react to things that happen to us and around us. It seems almost as if this reaction is automatic, but actually it is pre-programmed. The good news is: mental habits can be re-programmed. So we don't always have to fall prey to reacting in negative ways which we would later regret. We have the freedom and power to reprogram our mental reaction, that is to decide how to better respond to a given situation or how to better interpret a given situation. We tend to assume certain mental pattern in a particular setting, and when that setting changes, our mental pattern changes accordingly. For eg., when I was in Api-api, I made a mental effort to be mindful in all my activities, even when I'm not physically sitting. When I chant, to force the mind to stay in the present and to empowe the chants, I reflected on the meaning of the chants as I chanted them. The mind has been conditioned to go every which way but the present moment -- this is the default, old mental habit. Now, continously reflecting on the meaning of the chant is a re-conditioning, a re-programming the mind to behave in a new way, ie. to be mindful of the present. After a while, this habit catches on and it becomes a mental pattern that the mind takes on in Api-api. Now out of retreat and back in Singapore, I have one-week time to tie some loose ends. The mental patter that I used to have in this kind of setting is a busy mind -- forever planning what to do next and restlessly looking out to get things settled. As I come back to Singpaore, I come back to this setting as well, and the mind immediately assumed this mental pattern.
I shall continue to follow the schedule in Api-api: wake up at 3 plus, sit at 4, chant at 6, at least 2 sittings and chanting per day.
Nothing is as important as meditation. I shall leave everything else for meditation and not the other way round.
Will cut down on unnecessary activities and spend more time on the practice.
Mental habit: Just as we have physical habits-- brush up and bathe immediately after waking up, wash up before bed, consume coffee daily, meditate at certain time of the day, we also have mental habits -- the way we mentally react to things that happen to us and around us. It seems almost as if this reaction is automatic, but actually it is pre-programmed. The good news is: mental habits can be re-programmed. So we don't always have to fall prey to reacting in negative ways which we would later regret. We have the freedom and power to reprogram our mental reaction, that is to decide how to better respond to a given situation or how to better interpret a given situation. We tend to assume certain mental pattern in a particular setting, and when that setting changes, our mental pattern changes accordingly. For eg., when I was in Api-api, I made a mental effort to be mindful in all my activities, even when I'm not physically sitting. When I chant, to force the mind to stay in the present and to empowe the chants, I reflected on the meaning of the chants as I chanted them. The mind has been conditioned to go every which way but the present moment -- this is the default, old mental habit. Now, continously reflecting on the meaning of the chant is a re-conditioning, a re-programming the mind to behave in a new way, ie. to be mindful of the present. After a while, this habit catches on and it becomes a mental pattern that the mind takes on in Api-api. Now out of retreat and back in Singapore, I have one-week time to tie some loose ends. The mental patter that I used to have in this kind of setting is a busy mind -- forever planning what to do next and restlessly looking out to get things settled. As I come back to Singpaore, I come back to this setting as well, and the mind immediately assumed this mental pattern.
I shall continue to follow the schedule in Api-api: wake up at 3 plus, sit at 4, chant at 6, at least 2 sittings and chanting per day.
Nothing is as important as meditation. I shall leave everything else for meditation and not the other way round.
Will cut down on unnecessary activities and spend more time on the practice.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Havenangh House, Singapore. Wed 6 Jun 2007
Quoted from Patipada by Ven. Acharn Maha Boowa: Ajaan Mun taught the Bhikkhus to be sharp in hearing and seeing, to be nimble and dextrous in movement, to do things quickly and not in a tardy, clumsy manner. He taught them to be resourceful and to use their ingenuity both in external things and internally. In moving here and there they should have mindfulness present and he taught them to be careful and prcise in all circumstances.
Just finished Sayalay's retreat today. Went to Dr. Ang's house for another one of Sayalay's talk. And come back home to be greeted by J's warm welcome message. She always make me feel so welcomed and so at home, always very kind and very generous. I think of her as my mom.
Today G asked me if I could continue to stay in Singapore if I don't work, cause I'm a PR. Very kind and thoughtful of him too. He is like a father to me. So I am very rich, and in good hands: my blood mother and fatehr who love and take very good care of my, my god-father and mother who shower me with their kind love and attention, and my spiritual mother (Sayalay Dipankara) and father (Hui Guang shifu) who take very good care of my spiritual well-being. Wherever I go, I always meet with good people: people who are very kind, people who are extremely generous, people who are all out to help others.
Birthday Celebration: Just recalled what Ven. Hui Guang shared with us regarding how to best celebrate birthday. Normally we celebrate our birthday by throwing a party and happily enjoying ourselves. There's a better way of celebrating it: reflecting by our birth day is the day of our mother's suffering. She went through tremendous pain to bring us to this world. Birth-giving is a life-and-death matter, for it is not always the case that both mother and child would survive. Our mothers carry us in their wombs for 10 months, nurturing us with physical and mental food, caring for us even before we were born. Our birthday is an apt occation to remember with gratitude the kindness our parents have showered upon us. And the best gift we can give them is the gift of Dhamma (Dhammadana): on our part, we can do dana, keep the precepts, practice meditaiton, and dedicate the merits to our parents. We can also share the Dhamma with them: encourage them to do dana, keep the precepts and practice meditation, listen to Dhamma talks, incline their mind towards goodness. In this way, rather than the usual party celebration, we can make our bithday very meaningful to both ourselves and our parents.
Circle of friends: The friends we associate with are very important, for they would be a deciding facor for our accumulating more merits or demeirts. My fist contact when I got back to Signapore is the CMC group, and it doesn't take long to fully book my one-week-stay in Singapore with activities such as dana-offering, listening to Dhamma talks, group sitting, temple visiting -- things that are very wholesome, fortunately, and I easily get hooked. Imagine what would happen if the opposite is the case: If my circle of firends had been bad people. I would have easily fallen back to the bad old ways. Reflecting on this, I feel so fortunate to have very good friends.
DLMC - Mon 22 May 2007
Meditation: I seem to start to get used to the pace of life here. Despite pretty heavy workload sometimes, my meditation starts to progress smoothly. Yesterday I had an all-day-good-sittings -- a rare occurance during my stay here. And the work makes me work under the hot sun and in the midst of mosquitoes sometimes. The sun and sweat make me feel very healthy. And I am -- my flu recovered in 3-4 days without medicine and much expressed-symthoms. The mosquitoes get me used to their bites, to the point where I no longer feel that their bites are disagreeable or unpleasant. The heart has sort of neutralized the sensation. Hence mosquito net is no longer necessary.
Today I had the chance to deal with coldness. I didn't feel comfortable with the sensation at first, hence my hands kept fidgetting, changing positions but never really satisfied with any. Until suddenly a realization struck me -- I have been trying to run away from the cold sensation, not wanting to be with the present. Then there was a change/ shift in the mental attitude to accepting the cold, allowing my body to feel it. That is all I need to do. Henceforth the fidgetting stopped. The restlessness also stopped. Now the next challenge: deal with painful sensations. All the best!
I stop demanding -- demand, albeit only in the mind, that people do work or behave in certain ways. Now I allow them to be, give them the space to be themselves, to adapt to the environment, and to change when they are ready to.
DLMC - Fri 18 May 2007
Appamado ca Dhammesu: Be uncomplacent with regards to qualities of the mind. I saw this last night, or rather, yesterday. Afternoon sitting was very good and I could absorb successfully. Then there was a little bit thought of lust penetrating and I thought it is ok, just a little bit. Soon that little bit became so enormous that it ruined the evening sitting. The crazy thought - vibhava tanha - consumed my mind and the physical fatique consumed my body. I was barely able to catch the breath. Nevertheless, the mind realized the danger of heedlessness, of being unmindful, that during hte evening chanting, I dared not send my mind off wandering anywhere but focused it at the chants themselves.
A S: It is a good thing that he is here, and I get to observe him and his practice when he is alone and when he is in the company of other monks. He is kind and helpful, considerate to others, doing service for them when the need arises, and very strict with himself. He didn't want to trouble others, so he doesn't take breakfast when he is the only monk around. He chanted the blessing and meal reflection with their meaning in Thai. He worked very hard, and very fast. The entire temple is kept very clean with his presence. He never demanded that we do any work. When he sees that something needs doing, he simply sets himself to doing it. He is very generous too - always giving the yogis, helpers and workers food almost every day.
We observe each other, and appreciate each other. Because of our similar nature and way of practice, we often come across each other in the meditation hall. I often go early to prepare seats for other yogis, he for other monks. Despite not speaking a common language, there is a sort of internal understanding between us. I like to take care of him and serve him secretly. He seemed to notice and appreciate it. How beautiful.
One thing I have to warn myself and be careful about though, is that I have to respect him as an Acariya, a member of the Sangha, and not just my friend/ peer. Anything short of that reflects an impoliteness of mind in my part.
Not taking breakfast: Initially, I took up this practice because AS is not taking breakfast. Later on, I find that this practice has many benefits:
- My mind is not so pre occupied with food
- I dont' have to spend time sitting at the table and talking frivolous talks. I can work alone, mindfully.
- It is the practice of being content with little
- I can lose weight
I didn't have to struggle much to take up this practice. Once I have made up my mind, the mind simply stops going after food. Even when I saw food on the table, I was not moved. The reason for that is probably because my practice is progressing well and the heart has contenment.
Medicine for greed: contentment. Contentment features the mind in a completely opposite way from greed. Hence when contentment is present, greed cannot penetrate the mind. Santussako.
DLMC - Wed 16 May 2007
Keeping some food to eat after meal: I shall never do this again, as it gives way for greed to arise. The taste of contenment is higher and more refined than that of any physical food. Moreover, greed is very coarse. The moment greed runs through my mind, I feel that I lose the gentleness and softness of the mind.
Strive on with mindfulness: This is the Buddha's last words. I shall keep this in mind - keep the breath in mind and be mindful at all times.
My meditation is not progressing at all. I am barely able to maintain it where it was when I was in BV. THis is mostly due to my inability to keep the breath in mind at all times. I keep other things in mind instead.
Strive on with mindfulness: This is the Buddha's last words. I shall keep this in mind - keep the breath in mind and be mindful at all times.
My meditation is not progressing at all. I am barely able to maintain it where it was when I was in BV. THis is mostly due to my inability to keep the breath in mind at all times. I keep other things in mind instead.
DLMC - Sun 13 May 2007
The value of contentment: This is the basis for happiness to arise. When I'm concented to be where I am, I start to think of giving, servicing. I put energy into thinking how to develop goodness within me: I can reach out to this person in this way, I can be more proactive, I am grateful to that person for this reason, I can do more, I can give more, and I"m more than happy to do so. Conversely, when I'm discontented, the focus of attention is more on myself: where ELSE can I go so taht I can derive more benefit from staying in the place? What keeps me from leaving? How do I get the most out of staying put where I am?
In hindsight, I have been very discontented with staying at home. The insight is that I am discontented here too - was. This insight is so liberating, for I get to see that the source of discontentment is not outside of me - how the external environment is, but it is inside of me - what is my take on the environment I am in. When I am contented, I'm full; when I'm full, I'm happy. When I"m happy, I can give. I open up. Metta flows. On the contrary, when I'm discontented, I'm hungry. When I'm hungry, I grab. When I grab, I'm burned. When I'm burned, I'm unhappy.
In fact, that's the reason behind my inner happiness. I have, all this while, learnt to be contented - with what I have, wehre I am, what I am. I am Santussako - one who is contented.
I have gained so much in my staying here, especially because Ven. Hui Guang is not around. He was the main reason I chose to come here, and when my reason to come ceased to be, I have to reason out with myself in order to stay here. Now my reason is Ajaan Senit. It is not too difficult to see that if my reason to be is outside of me, sooner or later I will have to suffer, for external conditions keep changing. Watch out!
In hindsight, I have been very discontented with staying at home. The insight is that I am discontented here too - was. This insight is so liberating, for I get to see that the source of discontentment is not outside of me - how the external environment is, but it is inside of me - what is my take on the environment I am in. When I am contented, I'm full; when I'm full, I'm happy. When I"m happy, I can give. I open up. Metta flows. On the contrary, when I'm discontented, I'm hungry. When I'm hungry, I grab. When I grab, I'm burned. When I'm burned, I'm unhappy.
In fact, that's the reason behind my inner happiness. I have, all this while, learnt to be contented - with what I have, wehre I am, what I am. I am Santussako - one who is contented.
I have gained so much in my staying here, especially because Ven. Hui Guang is not around. He was the main reason I chose to come here, and when my reason to come ceased to be, I have to reason out with myself in order to stay here. Now my reason is Ajaan Senit. It is not too difficult to see that if my reason to be is outside of me, sooner or later I will have to suffer, for external conditions keep changing. Watch out!
DLMC - Sat 12 May 2007
The last few days. I start to really settle down. How long it takes. Previously the heart has been a little restless : thinking of other center to go to, finding ways to boost my meditaiton practice, convincing myself of my reasons for staying here. Only lately the heart really settles down. And when it settles down like this, it goes with the flow. There is not much of internal struggle.
The practice has been on the down side because I gave in to lust - thinking of the positive attributes of AS to the point where infatuation and attachment arose. It is at this point that I am able to cearly discern the difference between attachment-love and metta-love. With Sayalay, there is a lot of metta and I'm willing to do anything for her, AND I am happy and rejoice when other people approach her, help and serve her. With AS, the love is not taht pure. There is a tendency for possessiveness, and I was not happy when Amy has the opportunity to approach him while I don't. Metta frees one, while attachment-love imprisons one. This drawback, and the fall of my practice, is enough to bring me back to my senses. In any case, I do not wish to do anything inappropriate. I do not wish to cause trouble to AS either. Nevertheless, I'm very grateful to him for serving as a living example of a contemplative: not being burdensome, not imposing to his fellow monks, being sensitive, being kind and helpful, and doing service when the need arises - switching on the fans in the meditation hall, sweeping and mopping the floor, cleaning up the altar, pulling down the blind, doing all these without thinking that those are the things we laity have to do. He doesn't preach much cause he doesn't speak our language, but his calm and gentle demeanor and his impeccable conduct speak volumes, and that is enough to make me stay, and be happy to stay on. =)
The practice has been on the down side because I gave in to lust - thinking of the positive attributes of AS to the point where infatuation and attachment arose. It is at this point that I am able to cearly discern the difference between attachment-love and metta-love. With Sayalay, there is a lot of metta and I'm willing to do anything for her, AND I am happy and rejoice when other people approach her, help and serve her. With AS, the love is not taht pure. There is a tendency for possessiveness, and I was not happy when Amy has the opportunity to approach him while I don't. Metta frees one, while attachment-love imprisons one. This drawback, and the fall of my practice, is enough to bring me back to my senses. In any case, I do not wish to do anything inappropriate. I do not wish to cause trouble to AS either. Nevertheless, I'm very grateful to him for serving as a living example of a contemplative: not being burdensome, not imposing to his fellow monks, being sensitive, being kind and helpful, and doing service when the need arises - switching on the fans in the meditation hall, sweeping and mopping the floor, cleaning up the altar, pulling down the blind, doing all these without thinking that those are the things we laity have to do. He doesn't preach much cause he doesn't speak our language, but his calm and gentle demeanor and his impeccable conduct speak volumes, and that is enough to make me stay, and be happy to stay on. =)
DLMC - Mon 7 May 07
Sat 3.5 hour today. Didn't take afternoon nap but I'm not the least bit tired. Meditation went well.
Am very impressed (or attached? haha...) with AS - he's so gentle, attentive and observant. Yesterday he handed me a pipe to flow water to the water drain. And it seems that he has actually cleared the dirty mop water that I soaked yesterday. He seems to observe me. At the very least, he noticed me. In fact, all the 3 Thai monks are very kind and gentle. AL handed me a straw to catch small insects with. Luang Por asked me if I have applied the medicine the doctor gave me. Language barrier didn't stand in the way of our communication channel at all. I feel so comfortable and so happy being here, bearing witness to the monks' kindness and gentleness. It makes me feel soft, gentle and kind inside too.
During the period just after Hui Guang shifu left the centre, I had some down period - I thought the time when shifu is not around is gonna be a difficult time for the yogis here: lay support will be lacking, few yogis will come, and I will be left to do all the work. That is not the case at all. In fact, Hui Guang Shi's absence seems to be a blessing in disguise: I come to understand and come into closer contact wiht the monks.
Am contemplating "Bi Guan" again but I think I won't do it this time. Everything out ehre is just the conditions I need for my practice to florish: the presence of the Sangha, communal practice, group meditation, morning and evening chanting, and opportunity to serve the centre and the Sangha. Also, this is the perfect condtion to train up all-round round-the-clock mindfulness. That said, I have got to straighten up my discipline: talk little, eat little, sleep little, work a lot, meditate a lot. The conditions out here give me a lot of reasons to rejoice and be happy, and that is what I need for my meditation. My mind settles down pretty easily. I just have to watch out for frivolous talks - an unnecessary waste of time.
I want to, and need to, refine my behavior: don't laugh too loudly, walk slowly and gently, don't eat while standing, be mindful all the time.
Dealing with greed for food :my mind gave me the answer last night - contemplate on the drawbacks of the food, the repulsiveness of food. I shall try to work on it.
Am very impressed (or attached? haha...) with AS - he's so gentle, attentive and observant. Yesterday he handed me a pipe to flow water to the water drain. And it seems that he has actually cleared the dirty mop water that I soaked yesterday. He seems to observe me. At the very least, he noticed me. In fact, all the 3 Thai monks are very kind and gentle. AL handed me a straw to catch small insects with. Luang Por asked me if I have applied the medicine the doctor gave me. Language barrier didn't stand in the way of our communication channel at all. I feel so comfortable and so happy being here, bearing witness to the monks' kindness and gentleness. It makes me feel soft, gentle and kind inside too.
During the period just after Hui Guang shifu left the centre, I had some down period - I thought the time when shifu is not around is gonna be a difficult time for the yogis here: lay support will be lacking, few yogis will come, and I will be left to do all the work. That is not the case at all. In fact, Hui Guang Shi's absence seems to be a blessing in disguise: I come to understand and come into closer contact wiht the monks.
Am contemplating "Bi Guan" again but I think I won't do it this time. Everything out ehre is just the conditions I need for my practice to florish: the presence of the Sangha, communal practice, group meditation, morning and evening chanting, and opportunity to serve the centre and the Sangha. Also, this is the perfect condtion to train up all-round round-the-clock mindfulness. That said, I have got to straighten up my discipline: talk little, eat little, sleep little, work a lot, meditate a lot. The conditions out here give me a lot of reasons to rejoice and be happy, and that is what I need for my meditation. My mind settles down pretty easily. I just have to watch out for frivolous talks - an unnecessary waste of time.
I want to, and need to, refine my behavior: don't laugh too loudly, walk slowly and gently, don't eat while standing, be mindful all the time.
Dealing with greed for food :my mind gave me the answer last night - contemplate on the drawbacks of the food, the repulsiveness of food. I shall try to work on it.
DLMC - Sat 5 May 2007
I stop fighting - finding fault with people in my mind. In its place, there's a flowing metta energy. It feels like coming back to health.
Yesterday Ajaan Labho talked about being happy with each movement, each step, each minute, each second, each breath. In short, establish sati and sampajanna with each moment.
The Hong Kong Yogi Liang Xin taught me to be aware of my mouth and chewing movement with every mouthful of food. That helped me to be more mindful when I eat.
Still have yet to overcome greed for food. I develop bad habit rather quickly - stuffing food into my mouth when I'm packing and tidying up the place. Antidote for animosity and aversin is metta. Antidote for greed: contentment?
Yesterday meditation was pretty bad cos I seriously lacked sleep. Sleep only 4 hours the night before. The mind was not able to give rise to enough energy to sustain mindfulness.
Was and still am, very encouraged to see the monks' friendliness, care and kindness towards each other. On my part, I shall treat the other yogis likewise.
Come to think of it, I"m actually working - work to accumulate kamma points.
Garavo ca nivato ca santutthi ca katannuta: very important qualities of mind to be developed - respect, humility, contentment, gratitude.
I want to ordain the heart and train myself the way a recluse/ ordained person is trained.
Yesterday Ajaan Labho talked about being happy with each movement, each step, each minute, each second, each breath. In short, establish sati and sampajanna with each moment.
The Hong Kong Yogi Liang Xin taught me to be aware of my mouth and chewing movement with every mouthful of food. That helped me to be more mindful when I eat.
Still have yet to overcome greed for food. I develop bad habit rather quickly - stuffing food into my mouth when I'm packing and tidying up the place. Antidote for animosity and aversin is metta. Antidote for greed: contentment?
Yesterday meditation was pretty bad cos I seriously lacked sleep. Sleep only 4 hours the night before. The mind was not able to give rise to enough energy to sustain mindfulness.
Was and still am, very encouraged to see the monks' friendliness, care and kindness towards each other. On my part, I shall treat the other yogis likewise.
Come to think of it, I"m actually working - work to accumulate kamma points.
Garavo ca nivato ca santutthi ca katannuta: very important qualities of mind to be developed - respect, humility, contentment, gratitude.
I want to ordain the heart and train myself the way a recluse/ ordained person is trained.
DLMC - Fri 27 Apr 2007
Meditation: never allow the mind to wander off. As soon as you notice some vibration in the mind, re-establish mindfulness and bring attention closely to the object at hand. Otherwise the mind will weaken and fall into bhavanga easily.
Decide once again to stay on, especially at the time when Ven. Hui Guang is not around. This is the time to strengthen my practice in the face of unfavourable conditions.
Look at everyone from their good points - there're bound to be some if we look closely enough - and appreciate them for that. I was taken into EH's negative comment on CS and thus viewed him negatively. Looking back, that's a silly thing to do. Whether other people do work or not, that's their business. My business is to do whatever I can, in the time I have, and stop at that. Or rejoice at that. And to take care of my own mind not to fall for the deceit of the defilements.
Thinking negatively about other people, even if their behavior is really depictable, only weighs the mind down. And this perception will shapre the way I interpret the person's behavior, which is bound to be negative as well. So even if this person has some good points, I won't see it cause my view is blocked by the pre-conceive negative perception. So learn to look with two eyes.
Intend to keep 9 precepts, the last one being to radiate metta regularly.
DLMC - Tue 24 Apr 2007
Be restraint in senses
Ajaan Geoff: If you really exercise restraint over the senses - if you notice when the mind is getting worked up in an unskillful direction and you counter it immediately - that's developing mindfulness and alerness right there.
So what I've been doing count as being mindful. No wonder my mind settles down easily. =)
I have the tendency to fall for greed for food. Got to watch out for this. I want people to see me when I'm being good: doing work, meditating, exercising restraint, and don't want them to see me when I'm being not-so-good: eating without restraint. That counts as subtle hypocrysy, or perhaps blatant one. To counter it: work/ do good privately, and if I have to follow my greed for food, do so in the open.
Meditation: did an almost 1.5 hour of absorption with some wandering thoguhts. Somehow, the wandering thoughts make the mind restless. Or maybe the other way round. But I suppose I did establish some peace in my sitting as it get carried over afterwards. And the mind is so alert that I could read at lightning speed.
Seems like my reading speed depends on the level of alertness in the mind.
Determine to do yoga stretching twice a day, but am happy enough to be able to do it once. The body can be taught, so can the mind. What I can't do two days ago, I can do now.
Covetousness: want to have eyes like Tan. Geoff's: Kindly-and-highly-alert eyes. Holding on to it - wanting to have them as soon as possible - causes some stress in the mind. At the notice of this, the mind immediately released its holding, and focus instead on the causes: Spread thoughts of metta and be mindful at all times. The same applies to meditaiotn. When I want to do absoprtion as quickly as possible, the mind doesn't want to settle down. I have to focus on the present; focus on the causes.
It seems that the way I work with my mind and my meditation agrees with Tan Geoff's way. Many of the articles in the book "Meditation 2" reflect my own practice and how I have dealt with my mind.
Ajaan Geoff: If you really exercise restraint over the senses - if you notice when the mind is getting worked up in an unskillful direction and you counter it immediately - that's developing mindfulness and alerness right there.
So what I've been doing count as being mindful. No wonder my mind settles down easily. =)
I have the tendency to fall for greed for food. Got to watch out for this. I want people to see me when I'm being good: doing work, meditating, exercising restraint, and don't want them to see me when I'm being not-so-good: eating without restraint. That counts as subtle hypocrysy, or perhaps blatant one. To counter it: work/ do good privately, and if I have to follow my greed for food, do so in the open.
Meditation: did an almost 1.5 hour of absorption with some wandering thoguhts. Somehow, the wandering thoughts make the mind restless. Or maybe the other way round. But I suppose I did establish some peace in my sitting as it get carried over afterwards. And the mind is so alert that I could read at lightning speed.
Seems like my reading speed depends on the level of alertness in the mind.
Determine to do yoga stretching twice a day, but am happy enough to be able to do it once. The body can be taught, so can the mind. What I can't do two days ago, I can do now.
Covetousness: want to have eyes like Tan. Geoff's: Kindly-and-highly-alert eyes. Holding on to it - wanting to have them as soon as possible - causes some stress in the mind. At the notice of this, the mind immediately released its holding, and focus instead on the causes: Spread thoughts of metta and be mindful at all times. The same applies to meditaiotn. When I want to do absoprtion as quickly as possible, the mind doesn't want to settle down. I have to focus on the present; focus on the causes.
It seems that the way I work with my mind and my meditation agrees with Tan Geoff's way. Many of the articles in the book "Meditation 2" reflect my own practice and how I have dealt with my mind.
DLMC - Mon 23 Apr 2007
Meditation: Did 1.5 hour absorption and was very happy I did it. Start to get the balance. Need to still the wandering thoughts, then my work is done.
Saw cat's faeces last night and the sense of disgust engulfed me, almost drawn me. Stilled the mind and looked at it as physical element. I cleaned it up this morning, without the sense of disgust anymore. It's amazing how, when I was overcome with disgust, it took over my mind that the faeces seems so overwhelming. In fact it is just a small thing. The mind is making a mountain out of a mole hill.
There seems to be a persistent sense of urgency: I can't be lazy, have to put in effort, cos I don't know when I will die. I don't want death to catch me when I'm not mindful. Thus, be mindful all the time. And spread metta all the time too. The devas seem to respond to the metta energy, the way they do in BV.
Shall be mindful of my speech. Talk only when necessary. Avoid idle chatter. Keep noble silence as much as possible.
I'm not going into the "Bi Guan Suo" now as I need all those supporting conditions for my practice: opportunity to do service for the centre, exercise, being mindful off-cushion and while relating to people, enough rest, coffee.
Yesterday I was out of sort. I seemed a little disconnected from the world around me. Can't feel much joy and the meditation flatted. Attacked by Mara? Last night's evening puja saved me. I didn't do anything unwholesome though. Just find it strange how it happened. Not because I don't get enough rest for sure.
Maechee PJ talked to me about her problem yesterday. I have her a lengthy advice, but I think it felt on deaf ears. The main problem: She's not happy with shifu's reply. When doing problem-solving, attack it right at the root of the problem. Then remain quiet. I can offer a listening ear at best. No need for further advice.
DLMC - Fri 20 Apr 2007
Renounce greed, aversion, delusion
Be mindful at all times.
Whatever difficult people I encounter, that is opportunity for me to practice. If I'm offended or become defensive, that's a sign that pride is taking hold of my mind. Attack that pride. Work on that pride. Bow down to everyone. Learn from everyone, everything, every event.
Everyone is my teacher. There is bound to be something of value I can pick up, be it from the person's good behavior - of which I can emulate, or bad behavior - which I should refrain from, or difficult behavior - by which I can use to test myself, my own attachment, ego and pride, and how far Dhamma has brought me.
I have an inner teacher that is watching over my shoulder at all times - mindfulness.
My spiritual mother and father: Sayalay Dipankara and Ven. Hui Guang
Radiate metta in all waking moments, to all beings.
Protect the mind. Don't let it wander off after unwholesome thoughts/ objects.
Thought about John's "Pretend to keep the 8 precepts": If I'm in the wrong, I shall rectify myself. Otherwise, I shall put the matter to rest. No fault-finding. The dirt in my mind I shall cleanse. The dirt in others' mind is none of my business.
K's "run away from society": I know how a mind that is running away is like. I know what I am doing and why I am doing it. That much is enough. There is no need to defend myself. No need to explain myself. Put the matter to rest.
E's "Theoretical Dhamma": If it is so, so be it. The teachers I'm learning from teach in accordance to the Dhamma.
Coming here to practice at DLMC: This is the golden opportunity for me to train my mind to be mindful at all times. Also, I have the space and time to explore the breath and meditation. Just dont' lose sight of the goal, and never be lazy. I don't want death to strike at the moment I'm unmindful.
DLMC (Dhamma Light Meditation Centre) - Thu 19 Apr 2007
On the breath: One step at a time, one breath at a time. This is really helpful. Don't think too far into the future. This is wandering thought, unskillful use of the future.
When the mind started to move away from the breath, will the mind to look at the breath. That is all it takes.
Move on to the nimitta only when the mind is strongly and stably focused on the breath.
Dealing with greed: This has been my main preoccupation since I came here last Wed (11th Apr). Initially greed for food was very strong and the more I tried to subdue it, the more strongly it charged back at me. 2 days ago I ate too much, resulting in heaviness of body and a very uncomfortable sense of discomfort. Yesterday I seemed to develop a distaste for food, and for meat -- the main culprit for my feeling of heaviness. The result: lightness of body, easeness in meditation. That is enough to keep me going without overstuffing myself ever again.
Mindfulness: I have to develop this to make it more continous. That way, I will never have to leave my meditation ever again.
Be honest
Practice loving kindness everyday
Learn from everybody. Everybody is my teacher
Tune in to the surrounding and people around
I'm Back
Been away for quite a while and haven't been updating this blog for a long while. =) I wrote some notes in my recent retreat in Api-Api, Pontian, recording the difficulties I faced in the course of my practice, insights that come along, and my states of mind at that point in time.
Reading through my notes, I noticed a pattern: certain themes are mentioned again and again, like mindfulness and loving kindness; and certain things observed over time turned out to be an insight, like the value of contentment. There're difficulties that I face and over time and through experiments, find the answers or solutions of. On the whole, it serves to remind me of what went through my mind at that point in time, what are the challenges I face and how I work on them. I could well summarized whatever I've picked up throughout the process, but I choose to re-write them the way I have written them -- in the language I talk to myself, trying to be as faithful to myself as possible.
It's my own defilements that I'm working against here, and I do not want to hide them but lay them out in the open so that everyone can see, so that the kilesas can exercise a little bit sense of restraint. Should any knowledgeable person come across this blog and wish to offer words of caution, advice, insights, and admonition, you are most welcomed to do so. I need sandpaper to smoothen my rough edges. =)
Reading through my notes, I noticed a pattern: certain themes are mentioned again and again, like mindfulness and loving kindness; and certain things observed over time turned out to be an insight, like the value of contentment. There're difficulties that I face and over time and through experiments, find the answers or solutions of. On the whole, it serves to remind me of what went through my mind at that point in time, what are the challenges I face and how I work on them. I could well summarized whatever I've picked up throughout the process, but I choose to re-write them the way I have written them -- in the language I talk to myself, trying to be as faithful to myself as possible.
It's my own defilements that I'm working against here, and I do not want to hide them but lay them out in the open so that everyone can see, so that the kilesas can exercise a little bit sense of restraint. Should any knowledgeable person come across this blog and wish to offer words of caution, advice, insights, and admonition, you are most welcomed to do so. I need sandpaper to smoothen my rough edges. =)
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Planting the Seed
On my way back home today, I reflected about "planting the seed". Often, we hear people talk about planting the seed of Dhamma when they attempt to bring friends to listen to Dhamma talks or Dhamma-related activities. Flashing back my memory to my visit to Thailand last year, I remembered how sister Esther, in her silent effort to support you in your meditation, immediately sat up from her lying position as soon as I lied down. Her sensitivity and kindness left a deep impression in my heart. That, to me, is the real 'planting the seed', done silently, without advertising. Even today, when I think about it, and now when I'm typing it, it still moves me.
For me, it's still a long way to go. My qualities are untested, having always been practicing in peace and never encountering any real difficulties. I'm grateful for those moments when I'm tested, when I met people whom I can't stand, when I'm hurt because of my own ego and unmet (or unrealistic) expectations. In their little ways, they help to shape me and smoothen my edges. Those occasions are my opportunities to put to test whatever qualities I've been trying to practice -- and my responses are the mirror to my mind.
For me, it's still a long way to go. My qualities are untested, having always been practicing in peace and never encountering any real difficulties. I'm grateful for those moments when I'm tested, when I met people whom I can't stand, when I'm hurt because of my own ego and unmet (or unrealistic) expectations. In their little ways, they help to shape me and smoothen my edges. Those occasions are my opportunities to put to test whatever qualities I've been trying to practice -- and my responses are the mirror to my mind.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Birthday Surprise
This year’s Birthday Surprise is truly a surprise. My brother sneaked out to get me a birthday cake meant to be a surprise for me. As we’re very close, we usually don’t keep anything from each other. So when I asked him where he has been and he didn’t want to tell me but instead told me that I was not his mom and need not know his every movement, I was…. Heart-broken. Hurt. The tender part in my heart shaked. I did not expect the sudden turn of attitude of his, and kept very quiet for a while. The thought that immediately strike me was: “Had I been too controlling all this while that he reacted in such a way?”
My brother couldn’t stand my quietness and scared that he would create further bad kamma, so he had to break the secret by telling me where he had been earlier: he went to buy a cake. When I was told this, I cried silently and smiled surreptitiously; the heart felt relief.
That incident is a great birthday gift, unexpected but deeply appreciated. Not the cake but the lesson itself. It’s truly a good mirror for me to look into my mind. Just one word and there it goes: I got all upset. Even as I was feeling upset, I could see that it was all because I was unmindful that I was caught up here in this feeling. The feeling didn’t go away immediately of course, but I allowed it to be. It didn’t stay too long though, ‘cos my brother quickly came to my rescue, and to his own rescue as well. We had a good laugh after that and that ended the chapter for today. =)
My brother couldn’t stand my quietness and scared that he would create further bad kamma, so he had to break the secret by telling me where he had been earlier: he went to buy a cake. When I was told this, I cried silently and smiled surreptitiously; the heart felt relief.
That incident is a great birthday gift, unexpected but deeply appreciated. Not the cake but the lesson itself. It’s truly a good mirror for me to look into my mind. Just one word and there it goes: I got all upset. Even as I was feeling upset, I could see that it was all because I was unmindful that I was caught up here in this feeling. The feeling didn’t go away immediately of course, but I allowed it to be. It didn’t stay too long though, ‘cos my brother quickly came to my rescue, and to his own rescue as well. We had a good laugh after that and that ended the chapter for today. =)
Monday, January 02, 2006
Life in Heaven
Retreat life is really like life in heaven: there is no stress, no quarrel, no fighting. Everywhere there is peace, happiness, joy. Everyone becomes beautiful during the retreat.
I thoroughly enjoyed every part of this retreat. It is as if I have died from one place of existence (the normal day-to-day working life that I have now) and was reborn in another plane of existence (that of the retreat). I was almost totally cut off from my previous existence and was wholly there in the retreat: in body and mind. Felt very happy almost all the time.
I used to think that dhamma workers can’t really dedicate themselves in practice as they have some responsibilities to fulfill during retreat. What happened was a complete opposite. I was so happy doing the Dhamma work for the retreat that it actually helped in the concentration. The mind was happy so it settled down easily. I was also very happy to know that all the Dhamma workers made some progress in their meditation practice. It’s very encouraging and heartening to know that. There was an interesting observation I made of my mind: on the first day of retreat, I didn’t have much thing to do, so I could meditate the whole day and the concentration was very good during that time. On the second day, there were handing-taking over to be done as the treasurer has to leave and I was to take over her duty. There was lack of helpers in the kitchen as well so I also had to help out in the kitchen. Somehow, the whole day I was occupied with something and could hardly find time to meditate. That day the concentration dropped. The third day I was fighting for time to meditate, and the mind was agitated as I tried to find as much time to meditate as possible. So the day after that, I changed my strategy: I went with the flow. Whenever I was having some duty, I would fulfill my duty. When I was off duty, I would meditate. I stopped fighting. As a result, the progress in concentration became smooth. I found that when the mind stopped fighting, having to run errands and taking some duties during retreat don’t hinder concentration at all. On the contrary, doing dhamma work actually supports the practice, as it gladdens the mind, which is a very important ingredient in meditation.
There was another contrast in this retreat from other retreats I attended. In retreats, usually I had a ritual of counting down the days. The nearer it is to the end of retreat, the more precious the time is and I would put in all effort to practice harder and harder. There was this feeling that I need to rush as the retreat is coming to the end. This time round, I didn’t do the counting down. Everyday is a new beginning and a new ending. There were no rush, no fighting for time, just relaxed effort to continue the practice. It is as if the mind stops running, yet the effort continues.
Thanks to the yogis, the whole retreat setting is really very inviting for practice. Once I walked down to rest after sitting, and as I walked out to the main shrine hall in the first floor, I saw some yogis doing sitting meditation, some doing walking meditation. Naturally, I walked in and joined the pack in their meditation practice. I saw some other people walking down to the hall and joined us as well. Sadhu to everyone.
I’d like to echo what Sayalay said: that this whole retreat’s atmosphere was very good. When she first came to Bekok, she was not well physically and she felt like she has no energy. But during retreat, she recovered somewhat and even managed to give Dhamma talks every night, despite having prepared a CD of her talks in case she has no energy to give talk during the retreat. When I arrived at Bekok, I also felt low energy. But starting from the first day of retreat, I felt so energized that I got by with at most 5 hours of sleep a day – without feeling tired or sleepy at all throughout the day.
Really appreciate Sayalay’s compassion to all of us in every way. Sayalay is a very skillful teacher. She’s very sharp and she makes use of every possible occasion to teach us Dhamma. In our interview with Sayalay, one yogi reported that she saw plates during her meditation because she washed so many plates during the day. Sayalay said we can reflect that the plates were initially dirty but after being washed they become clean. As we washed the plates, we have to reflect that that is how we have to clean our mind. She related the occasion during the Buddha’s time when the Buddha taught a monk who was very slow the Dhamma by asking him to clean a piece of cloth. As he tried to clean the cloth, it actually got dirty by his own sweat. Through the whole process, he actually penetrated the Dhamma and attained arahantship. Whenever Sayalay gives Dhamma talks, I always feel as if I am present at the time of the Buddha. Sayalay makes us feel so close to the Buddha and the Dhamma. The Dhamma that Sayalay shared with us is very deep.
It was such a privilege to work with this group of Dhamma workers from CMC (Cakkavala Meditation Centre). They are all people with very good heart and good qualities of mind and I learnt a lot from them. All are my family, all are my teachers. During meal time, usually the dhamma workers will go down earlier to the kitchen to prepare for the meal. There was one occasion when we the Dhamma workers were left with hardly anything on our table as there were not enough food for everyone. That was what I thought at first. Yet the Dhamma workers didn’t seem concerned about the lack of food for ourselves at all. On the other hand, we tried our very best that the yogis have enough to eat. With little food on our table, we laughed with each other. I felt very happy sitting together with them, because the people I was with were beautiful people – people who cared for others and gave their best to others. I didn’t mind having to go hungry that day. But it didn’t happen, as after some time there were excess from other tables and it was redistributed to our table.
I really enjoyed the silence as well. I enjoyed watching the yogis silently walked pass to get their food, and then we all sat quietly waiting to do the food reflection together. I liked the time when we offered food to the Sangha, especially the time when we do it together as one: everyone in the retreat was involved and everyone ceremonially offered the meal dana to the sangha. It was really very beautiful: a very beautiful picture that we all painted together.
The list of people that I have to thank is endless. When I ate the food during retreat, I reflected that it was due to the cook and the kitchen helpers that we could have this food. Then there were the donors. Then there were the suppliers. Then there were the Dhamma workers who worked silently (well, maybe not so silent) behind the scene to ensure that the retreat run smoothly. There seem to be an endless list of people to be grateful for as I thought back. To support them in fulfilling their merits, I tried my very best to put in all effort in the practice. I’m also very grateful to one of the yogis who feedback that the Dhamma workers were quite noisy and as Dhamma workers, we should set an example of practicing the noble silence so that the yogis could follow suit. To be good Dhamma workers, we have to practice the Dhamma ourselves and be mindful of our actions. Really grateful for the timely reminder.
My life in this retreat is short: it only last 8 days. Even though it’s so short, but it’s really very enjoyable. Really fulfilling. Now that I’m reborn back in the suffering world (back to working life, that is), I have to re-adjust back to the normal non-retreat life again. But it doesn’t seem all that difficult. I was having inertia for having to go back to work, but as I reflected this morning, it’s not very helpful to think that way. Instead of thinking of abandoning my work, I can think of abandoning the past bad habits and negative qualities of mind – that of stinginess, pettiness, calculativeness, inconsideration, selfishness. I can think of developing and strengthening the good qualities that I have learnt through the retreat: that of kindness, helpfulness, selfless giving, generosity.
I thoroughly enjoyed every part of this retreat. It is as if I have died from one place of existence (the normal day-to-day working life that I have now) and was reborn in another plane of existence (that of the retreat). I was almost totally cut off from my previous existence and was wholly there in the retreat: in body and mind. Felt very happy almost all the time.
I used to think that dhamma workers can’t really dedicate themselves in practice as they have some responsibilities to fulfill during retreat. What happened was a complete opposite. I was so happy doing the Dhamma work for the retreat that it actually helped in the concentration. The mind was happy so it settled down easily. I was also very happy to know that all the Dhamma workers made some progress in their meditation practice. It’s very encouraging and heartening to know that. There was an interesting observation I made of my mind: on the first day of retreat, I didn’t have much thing to do, so I could meditate the whole day and the concentration was very good during that time. On the second day, there were handing-taking over to be done as the treasurer has to leave and I was to take over her duty. There was lack of helpers in the kitchen as well so I also had to help out in the kitchen. Somehow, the whole day I was occupied with something and could hardly find time to meditate. That day the concentration dropped. The third day I was fighting for time to meditate, and the mind was agitated as I tried to find as much time to meditate as possible. So the day after that, I changed my strategy: I went with the flow. Whenever I was having some duty, I would fulfill my duty. When I was off duty, I would meditate. I stopped fighting. As a result, the progress in concentration became smooth. I found that when the mind stopped fighting, having to run errands and taking some duties during retreat don’t hinder concentration at all. On the contrary, doing dhamma work actually supports the practice, as it gladdens the mind, which is a very important ingredient in meditation.
There was another contrast in this retreat from other retreats I attended. In retreats, usually I had a ritual of counting down the days. The nearer it is to the end of retreat, the more precious the time is and I would put in all effort to practice harder and harder. There was this feeling that I need to rush as the retreat is coming to the end. This time round, I didn’t do the counting down. Everyday is a new beginning and a new ending. There were no rush, no fighting for time, just relaxed effort to continue the practice. It is as if the mind stops running, yet the effort continues.
Thanks to the yogis, the whole retreat setting is really very inviting for practice. Once I walked down to rest after sitting, and as I walked out to the main shrine hall in the first floor, I saw some yogis doing sitting meditation, some doing walking meditation. Naturally, I walked in and joined the pack in their meditation practice. I saw some other people walking down to the hall and joined us as well. Sadhu to everyone.
I’d like to echo what Sayalay said: that this whole retreat’s atmosphere was very good. When she first came to Bekok, she was not well physically and she felt like she has no energy. But during retreat, she recovered somewhat and even managed to give Dhamma talks every night, despite having prepared a CD of her talks in case she has no energy to give talk during the retreat. When I arrived at Bekok, I also felt low energy. But starting from the first day of retreat, I felt so energized that I got by with at most 5 hours of sleep a day – without feeling tired or sleepy at all throughout the day.
Really appreciate Sayalay’s compassion to all of us in every way. Sayalay is a very skillful teacher. She’s very sharp and she makes use of every possible occasion to teach us Dhamma. In our interview with Sayalay, one yogi reported that she saw plates during her meditation because she washed so many plates during the day. Sayalay said we can reflect that the plates were initially dirty but after being washed they become clean. As we washed the plates, we have to reflect that that is how we have to clean our mind. She related the occasion during the Buddha’s time when the Buddha taught a monk who was very slow the Dhamma by asking him to clean a piece of cloth. As he tried to clean the cloth, it actually got dirty by his own sweat. Through the whole process, he actually penetrated the Dhamma and attained arahantship. Whenever Sayalay gives Dhamma talks, I always feel as if I am present at the time of the Buddha. Sayalay makes us feel so close to the Buddha and the Dhamma. The Dhamma that Sayalay shared with us is very deep.
It was such a privilege to work with this group of Dhamma workers from CMC (Cakkavala Meditation Centre). They are all people with very good heart and good qualities of mind and I learnt a lot from them. All are my family, all are my teachers. During meal time, usually the dhamma workers will go down earlier to the kitchen to prepare for the meal. There was one occasion when we the Dhamma workers were left with hardly anything on our table as there were not enough food for everyone. That was what I thought at first. Yet the Dhamma workers didn’t seem concerned about the lack of food for ourselves at all. On the other hand, we tried our very best that the yogis have enough to eat. With little food on our table, we laughed with each other. I felt very happy sitting together with them, because the people I was with were beautiful people – people who cared for others and gave their best to others. I didn’t mind having to go hungry that day. But it didn’t happen, as after some time there were excess from other tables and it was redistributed to our table.
I really enjoyed the silence as well. I enjoyed watching the yogis silently walked pass to get their food, and then we all sat quietly waiting to do the food reflection together. I liked the time when we offered food to the Sangha, especially the time when we do it together as one: everyone in the retreat was involved and everyone ceremonially offered the meal dana to the sangha. It was really very beautiful: a very beautiful picture that we all painted together.
The list of people that I have to thank is endless. When I ate the food during retreat, I reflected that it was due to the cook and the kitchen helpers that we could have this food. Then there were the donors. Then there were the suppliers. Then there were the Dhamma workers who worked silently (well, maybe not so silent) behind the scene to ensure that the retreat run smoothly. There seem to be an endless list of people to be grateful for as I thought back. To support them in fulfilling their merits, I tried my very best to put in all effort in the practice. I’m also very grateful to one of the yogis who feedback that the Dhamma workers were quite noisy and as Dhamma workers, we should set an example of practicing the noble silence so that the yogis could follow suit. To be good Dhamma workers, we have to practice the Dhamma ourselves and be mindful of our actions. Really grateful for the timely reminder.
My life in this retreat is short: it only last 8 days. Even though it’s so short, but it’s really very enjoyable. Really fulfilling. Now that I’m reborn back in the suffering world (back to working life, that is), I have to re-adjust back to the normal non-retreat life again. But it doesn’t seem all that difficult. I was having inertia for having to go back to work, but as I reflected this morning, it’s not very helpful to think that way. Instead of thinking of abandoning my work, I can think of abandoning the past bad habits and negative qualities of mind – that of stinginess, pettiness, calculativeness, inconsideration, selfishness. I can think of developing and strengthening the good qualities that I have learnt through the retreat: that of kindness, helpfulness, selfless giving, generosity.
Metta In Action
I was very angry when my father didn’t allow me to go for the one-month retreat in May Myo. I told my brother: “My decision is final. I shall go, whether our parents give consent or not. I life my life my way, and I will not allow anyone to control me.” I was very hard and uncompromising at that time. Even though I knew right there and then that it was very childish of me to react this way, I have yet to find a way to respond better. Not until I read the book “Metta” by Sayadaw U. Indika. As I read, my mind flashed back to the incident in the afternoon. As my heart softens, my attitude and feelings towards my parents follow suit. I started to think that I need to take care of their feelings, and whether or not I am allowed to go for the retreat in the end, that would be fine. It is such a contrast to my attitude in the afternoon.
Later on, as I reflected further, I told myself: No, I don’t want my pursuit of the path to be tainted by my unskillful responses that give rise and strengthen the defilements in myself and in others, especially my parents. If I continue on this way, I may complete cut off the path of Dhamma for my parents. Instead of giving them the opportunity to see the beauty of the path and the taste of Dhamma, I may actually make them feel resentful for the path whose pursuit takes their daughter away from them, despite myself. Instead of offering kindness, openness and understanding, I come down plain hard on them, closing my ears tight, thinking: “They simply don’t understand what I give all my heart for and there is no way for me to bring them to a common understanding.”
Even though now I have yet to find a way to talk them into allowing me to go for longer practice, I have come to terms with the fact that they don’t understand what I’m pursuing. I will try my very best to offer them kindness, respect, understanding, acceptance – the very things in the practice that attracted me in the first place. That is a more real way to practice: to see it and practice the Dhamma in every way and every part of my life, rather than limiting it to only the meditation cushion.
Later on, as I reflected further, I told myself: No, I don’t want my pursuit of the path to be tainted by my unskillful responses that give rise and strengthen the defilements in myself and in others, especially my parents. If I continue on this way, I may complete cut off the path of Dhamma for my parents. Instead of giving them the opportunity to see the beauty of the path and the taste of Dhamma, I may actually make them feel resentful for the path whose pursuit takes their daughter away from them, despite myself. Instead of offering kindness, openness and understanding, I come down plain hard on them, closing my ears tight, thinking: “They simply don’t understand what I give all my heart for and there is no way for me to bring them to a common understanding.”
Even though now I have yet to find a way to talk them into allowing me to go for longer practice, I have come to terms with the fact that they don’t understand what I’m pursuing. I will try my very best to offer them kindness, respect, understanding, acceptance – the very things in the practice that attracted me in the first place. That is a more real way to practice: to see it and practice the Dhamma in every way and every part of my life, rather than limiting it to only the meditation cushion.
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