Mana

I've just been to Sayadaw Pa Auk Retreat (5-13 Nov 05). The retreat was rejuvenating, for a simple reason: Because it is a retreat. =) It's a means for me to detox from the ills of the mind, and indeed there're many ills that I need to release out of my system. As a rule, the first two days of retreat are the time when all the bad things surfaced, just like the process you go through when you detox your body. Afterwards, the mind becomes more joyful and light. There're a number of themes my mind took on to reflect upon, among which mana(conceit) is one. Here's a summarized version:


Mana (conceit) is an enemy tat's often mistaken as friend. Often in retreats, I got to see my mana manifesting itself in many subtle forms, to the point where I get really embarrassed: “So all these are mana. How foolish I have been led along by it”. For eg, I thought: I'm better than this person in such and such a way. This is mana, because it rests on the premise that there is a solid “I” that in such and such a way is better than some solid “others”.

Defilements don't differentiate between practitioners and non-practitioners, dont' differentiate me and others. Just as it's possibly manifested in others, it is possibly manifested in myself as well. After all, I'm still just a puthujhana (Wordling). Defilements attack all those whose mind is weak.

It means that, just as others, being triggered in such and such a way, feel hurt, painful, angry, oppressed, frustrated, etc, I too may feel the same. I often reacted in an unskillful way, simply because I'm a puthujhana. Others behave and reacted in unskillful ways as well, because they're puthujhana. We're unskillful because we're still deluded by ignorance.

I'm just like others, others are just like me. It's not about me or you or others, it's about defilements manifesting themselves in one form or another. Visited by the same defilement, we often react in the same way or hold the same feelings or emotions.

It's very humbling to think that I'm still a puthujhana rather than someone who's a better practitioner. It’s humbling and kind as well, ‘cause it's a way to forgive myself and others for whatever wrong could have been done.

Mana is disgracing, no matter where they manifest themselves, in you, in me, in anyone. And that is our real enemy: Mana, not anyone else. The real enemy is inside, not outside. The real battle is fought within, not without.