On my way back home today, I reflected about "planting the seed". Often, we hear people talk about planting the seed of Dhamma when they attempt to bring friends to listen to Dhamma talks or Dhamma-related activities. Flashing back my memory to my visit to Thailand last year, I remembered how sister Esther, in her silent effort to support you in your meditation, immediately sat up from her lying position as soon as I lied down. Her sensitivity and kindness left a deep impression in my heart. That, to me, is the real 'planting the seed', done silently, without advertising. Even today, when I think about it, and now when I'm typing it, it still moves me.
For me, it's still a long way to go. My qualities are untested, having always been practicing in peace and never encountering any real difficulties. I'm grateful for those moments when I'm tested, when I met people whom I can't stand, when I'm hurt because of my own ego and unmet (or unrealistic) expectations. In their little ways, they help to shape me and smoothen my edges. Those occasions are my opportunities to put to test whatever qualities I've been trying to practice -- and my responses are the mirror to my mind.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Birthday Surprise
This year’s Birthday Surprise is truly a surprise. My brother sneaked out to get me a birthday cake meant to be a surprise for me. As we’re very close, we usually don’t keep anything from each other. So when I asked him where he has been and he didn’t want to tell me but instead told me that I was not his mom and need not know his every movement, I was…. Heart-broken. Hurt. The tender part in my heart shaked. I did not expect the sudden turn of attitude of his, and kept very quiet for a while. The thought that immediately strike me was: “Had I been too controlling all this while that he reacted in such a way?”
My brother couldn’t stand my quietness and scared that he would create further bad kamma, so he had to break the secret by telling me where he had been earlier: he went to buy a cake. When I was told this, I cried silently and smiled surreptitiously; the heart felt relief.
That incident is a great birthday gift, unexpected but deeply appreciated. Not the cake but the lesson itself. It’s truly a good mirror for me to look into my mind. Just one word and there it goes: I got all upset. Even as I was feeling upset, I could see that it was all because I was unmindful that I was caught up here in this feeling. The feeling didn’t go away immediately of course, but I allowed it to be. It didn’t stay too long though, ‘cos my brother quickly came to my rescue, and to his own rescue as well. We had a good laugh after that and that ended the chapter for today. =)
My brother couldn’t stand my quietness and scared that he would create further bad kamma, so he had to break the secret by telling me where he had been earlier: he went to buy a cake. When I was told this, I cried silently and smiled surreptitiously; the heart felt relief.
That incident is a great birthday gift, unexpected but deeply appreciated. Not the cake but the lesson itself. It’s truly a good mirror for me to look into my mind. Just one word and there it goes: I got all upset. Even as I was feeling upset, I could see that it was all because I was unmindful that I was caught up here in this feeling. The feeling didn’t go away immediately of course, but I allowed it to be. It didn’t stay too long though, ‘cos my brother quickly came to my rescue, and to his own rescue as well. We had a good laugh after that and that ended the chapter for today. =)
Monday, January 02, 2006
Life in Heaven
Retreat life is really like life in heaven: there is no stress, no quarrel, no fighting. Everywhere there is peace, happiness, joy. Everyone becomes beautiful during the retreat.
I thoroughly enjoyed every part of this retreat. It is as if I have died from one place of existence (the normal day-to-day working life that I have now) and was reborn in another plane of existence (that of the retreat). I was almost totally cut off from my previous existence and was wholly there in the retreat: in body and mind. Felt very happy almost all the time.
I used to think that dhamma workers can’t really dedicate themselves in practice as they have some responsibilities to fulfill during retreat. What happened was a complete opposite. I was so happy doing the Dhamma work for the retreat that it actually helped in the concentration. The mind was happy so it settled down easily. I was also very happy to know that all the Dhamma workers made some progress in their meditation practice. It’s very encouraging and heartening to know that. There was an interesting observation I made of my mind: on the first day of retreat, I didn’t have much thing to do, so I could meditate the whole day and the concentration was very good during that time. On the second day, there were handing-taking over to be done as the treasurer has to leave and I was to take over her duty. There was lack of helpers in the kitchen as well so I also had to help out in the kitchen. Somehow, the whole day I was occupied with something and could hardly find time to meditate. That day the concentration dropped. The third day I was fighting for time to meditate, and the mind was agitated as I tried to find as much time to meditate as possible. So the day after that, I changed my strategy: I went with the flow. Whenever I was having some duty, I would fulfill my duty. When I was off duty, I would meditate. I stopped fighting. As a result, the progress in concentration became smooth. I found that when the mind stopped fighting, having to run errands and taking some duties during retreat don’t hinder concentration at all. On the contrary, doing dhamma work actually supports the practice, as it gladdens the mind, which is a very important ingredient in meditation.
There was another contrast in this retreat from other retreats I attended. In retreats, usually I had a ritual of counting down the days. The nearer it is to the end of retreat, the more precious the time is and I would put in all effort to practice harder and harder. There was this feeling that I need to rush as the retreat is coming to the end. This time round, I didn’t do the counting down. Everyday is a new beginning and a new ending. There were no rush, no fighting for time, just relaxed effort to continue the practice. It is as if the mind stops running, yet the effort continues.
Thanks to the yogis, the whole retreat setting is really very inviting for practice. Once I walked down to rest after sitting, and as I walked out to the main shrine hall in the first floor, I saw some yogis doing sitting meditation, some doing walking meditation. Naturally, I walked in and joined the pack in their meditation practice. I saw some other people walking down to the hall and joined us as well. Sadhu to everyone.
I’d like to echo what Sayalay said: that this whole retreat’s atmosphere was very good. When she first came to Bekok, she was not well physically and she felt like she has no energy. But during retreat, she recovered somewhat and even managed to give Dhamma talks every night, despite having prepared a CD of her talks in case she has no energy to give talk during the retreat. When I arrived at Bekok, I also felt low energy. But starting from the first day of retreat, I felt so energized that I got by with at most 5 hours of sleep a day – without feeling tired or sleepy at all throughout the day.
Really appreciate Sayalay’s compassion to all of us in every way. Sayalay is a very skillful teacher. She’s very sharp and she makes use of every possible occasion to teach us Dhamma. In our interview with Sayalay, one yogi reported that she saw plates during her meditation because she washed so many plates during the day. Sayalay said we can reflect that the plates were initially dirty but after being washed they become clean. As we washed the plates, we have to reflect that that is how we have to clean our mind. She related the occasion during the Buddha’s time when the Buddha taught a monk who was very slow the Dhamma by asking him to clean a piece of cloth. As he tried to clean the cloth, it actually got dirty by his own sweat. Through the whole process, he actually penetrated the Dhamma and attained arahantship. Whenever Sayalay gives Dhamma talks, I always feel as if I am present at the time of the Buddha. Sayalay makes us feel so close to the Buddha and the Dhamma. The Dhamma that Sayalay shared with us is very deep.
It was such a privilege to work with this group of Dhamma workers from CMC (Cakkavala Meditation Centre). They are all people with very good heart and good qualities of mind and I learnt a lot from them. All are my family, all are my teachers. During meal time, usually the dhamma workers will go down earlier to the kitchen to prepare for the meal. There was one occasion when we the Dhamma workers were left with hardly anything on our table as there were not enough food for everyone. That was what I thought at first. Yet the Dhamma workers didn’t seem concerned about the lack of food for ourselves at all. On the other hand, we tried our very best that the yogis have enough to eat. With little food on our table, we laughed with each other. I felt very happy sitting together with them, because the people I was with were beautiful people – people who cared for others and gave their best to others. I didn’t mind having to go hungry that day. But it didn’t happen, as after some time there were excess from other tables and it was redistributed to our table.
I really enjoyed the silence as well. I enjoyed watching the yogis silently walked pass to get their food, and then we all sat quietly waiting to do the food reflection together. I liked the time when we offered food to the Sangha, especially the time when we do it together as one: everyone in the retreat was involved and everyone ceremonially offered the meal dana to the sangha. It was really very beautiful: a very beautiful picture that we all painted together.
The list of people that I have to thank is endless. When I ate the food during retreat, I reflected that it was due to the cook and the kitchen helpers that we could have this food. Then there were the donors. Then there were the suppliers. Then there were the Dhamma workers who worked silently (well, maybe not so silent) behind the scene to ensure that the retreat run smoothly. There seem to be an endless list of people to be grateful for as I thought back. To support them in fulfilling their merits, I tried my very best to put in all effort in the practice. I’m also very grateful to one of the yogis who feedback that the Dhamma workers were quite noisy and as Dhamma workers, we should set an example of practicing the noble silence so that the yogis could follow suit. To be good Dhamma workers, we have to practice the Dhamma ourselves and be mindful of our actions. Really grateful for the timely reminder.
My life in this retreat is short: it only last 8 days. Even though it’s so short, but it’s really very enjoyable. Really fulfilling. Now that I’m reborn back in the suffering world (back to working life, that is), I have to re-adjust back to the normal non-retreat life again. But it doesn’t seem all that difficult. I was having inertia for having to go back to work, but as I reflected this morning, it’s not very helpful to think that way. Instead of thinking of abandoning my work, I can think of abandoning the past bad habits and negative qualities of mind – that of stinginess, pettiness, calculativeness, inconsideration, selfishness. I can think of developing and strengthening the good qualities that I have learnt through the retreat: that of kindness, helpfulness, selfless giving, generosity.
I thoroughly enjoyed every part of this retreat. It is as if I have died from one place of existence (the normal day-to-day working life that I have now) and was reborn in another plane of existence (that of the retreat). I was almost totally cut off from my previous existence and was wholly there in the retreat: in body and mind. Felt very happy almost all the time.
I used to think that dhamma workers can’t really dedicate themselves in practice as they have some responsibilities to fulfill during retreat. What happened was a complete opposite. I was so happy doing the Dhamma work for the retreat that it actually helped in the concentration. The mind was happy so it settled down easily. I was also very happy to know that all the Dhamma workers made some progress in their meditation practice. It’s very encouraging and heartening to know that. There was an interesting observation I made of my mind: on the first day of retreat, I didn’t have much thing to do, so I could meditate the whole day and the concentration was very good during that time. On the second day, there were handing-taking over to be done as the treasurer has to leave and I was to take over her duty. There was lack of helpers in the kitchen as well so I also had to help out in the kitchen. Somehow, the whole day I was occupied with something and could hardly find time to meditate. That day the concentration dropped. The third day I was fighting for time to meditate, and the mind was agitated as I tried to find as much time to meditate as possible. So the day after that, I changed my strategy: I went with the flow. Whenever I was having some duty, I would fulfill my duty. When I was off duty, I would meditate. I stopped fighting. As a result, the progress in concentration became smooth. I found that when the mind stopped fighting, having to run errands and taking some duties during retreat don’t hinder concentration at all. On the contrary, doing dhamma work actually supports the practice, as it gladdens the mind, which is a very important ingredient in meditation.
There was another contrast in this retreat from other retreats I attended. In retreats, usually I had a ritual of counting down the days. The nearer it is to the end of retreat, the more precious the time is and I would put in all effort to practice harder and harder. There was this feeling that I need to rush as the retreat is coming to the end. This time round, I didn’t do the counting down. Everyday is a new beginning and a new ending. There were no rush, no fighting for time, just relaxed effort to continue the practice. It is as if the mind stops running, yet the effort continues.
Thanks to the yogis, the whole retreat setting is really very inviting for practice. Once I walked down to rest after sitting, and as I walked out to the main shrine hall in the first floor, I saw some yogis doing sitting meditation, some doing walking meditation. Naturally, I walked in and joined the pack in their meditation practice. I saw some other people walking down to the hall and joined us as well. Sadhu to everyone.
I’d like to echo what Sayalay said: that this whole retreat’s atmosphere was very good. When she first came to Bekok, she was not well physically and she felt like she has no energy. But during retreat, she recovered somewhat and even managed to give Dhamma talks every night, despite having prepared a CD of her talks in case she has no energy to give talk during the retreat. When I arrived at Bekok, I also felt low energy. But starting from the first day of retreat, I felt so energized that I got by with at most 5 hours of sleep a day – without feeling tired or sleepy at all throughout the day.
Really appreciate Sayalay’s compassion to all of us in every way. Sayalay is a very skillful teacher. She’s very sharp and she makes use of every possible occasion to teach us Dhamma. In our interview with Sayalay, one yogi reported that she saw plates during her meditation because she washed so many plates during the day. Sayalay said we can reflect that the plates were initially dirty but after being washed they become clean. As we washed the plates, we have to reflect that that is how we have to clean our mind. She related the occasion during the Buddha’s time when the Buddha taught a monk who was very slow the Dhamma by asking him to clean a piece of cloth. As he tried to clean the cloth, it actually got dirty by his own sweat. Through the whole process, he actually penetrated the Dhamma and attained arahantship. Whenever Sayalay gives Dhamma talks, I always feel as if I am present at the time of the Buddha. Sayalay makes us feel so close to the Buddha and the Dhamma. The Dhamma that Sayalay shared with us is very deep.
It was such a privilege to work with this group of Dhamma workers from CMC (Cakkavala Meditation Centre). They are all people with very good heart and good qualities of mind and I learnt a lot from them. All are my family, all are my teachers. During meal time, usually the dhamma workers will go down earlier to the kitchen to prepare for the meal. There was one occasion when we the Dhamma workers were left with hardly anything on our table as there were not enough food for everyone. That was what I thought at first. Yet the Dhamma workers didn’t seem concerned about the lack of food for ourselves at all. On the other hand, we tried our very best that the yogis have enough to eat. With little food on our table, we laughed with each other. I felt very happy sitting together with them, because the people I was with were beautiful people – people who cared for others and gave their best to others. I didn’t mind having to go hungry that day. But it didn’t happen, as after some time there were excess from other tables and it was redistributed to our table.
I really enjoyed the silence as well. I enjoyed watching the yogis silently walked pass to get their food, and then we all sat quietly waiting to do the food reflection together. I liked the time when we offered food to the Sangha, especially the time when we do it together as one: everyone in the retreat was involved and everyone ceremonially offered the meal dana to the sangha. It was really very beautiful: a very beautiful picture that we all painted together.
The list of people that I have to thank is endless. When I ate the food during retreat, I reflected that it was due to the cook and the kitchen helpers that we could have this food. Then there were the donors. Then there were the suppliers. Then there were the Dhamma workers who worked silently (well, maybe not so silent) behind the scene to ensure that the retreat run smoothly. There seem to be an endless list of people to be grateful for as I thought back. To support them in fulfilling their merits, I tried my very best to put in all effort in the practice. I’m also very grateful to one of the yogis who feedback that the Dhamma workers were quite noisy and as Dhamma workers, we should set an example of practicing the noble silence so that the yogis could follow suit. To be good Dhamma workers, we have to practice the Dhamma ourselves and be mindful of our actions. Really grateful for the timely reminder.
My life in this retreat is short: it only last 8 days. Even though it’s so short, but it’s really very enjoyable. Really fulfilling. Now that I’m reborn back in the suffering world (back to working life, that is), I have to re-adjust back to the normal non-retreat life again. But it doesn’t seem all that difficult. I was having inertia for having to go back to work, but as I reflected this morning, it’s not very helpful to think that way. Instead of thinking of abandoning my work, I can think of abandoning the past bad habits and negative qualities of mind – that of stinginess, pettiness, calculativeness, inconsideration, selfishness. I can think of developing and strengthening the good qualities that I have learnt through the retreat: that of kindness, helpfulness, selfless giving, generosity.
Metta In Action
I was very angry when my father didn’t allow me to go for the one-month retreat in May Myo. I told my brother: “My decision is final. I shall go, whether our parents give consent or not. I life my life my way, and I will not allow anyone to control me.” I was very hard and uncompromising at that time. Even though I knew right there and then that it was very childish of me to react this way, I have yet to find a way to respond better. Not until I read the book “Metta” by Sayadaw U. Indika. As I read, my mind flashed back to the incident in the afternoon. As my heart softens, my attitude and feelings towards my parents follow suit. I started to think that I need to take care of their feelings, and whether or not I am allowed to go for the retreat in the end, that would be fine. It is such a contrast to my attitude in the afternoon.
Later on, as I reflected further, I told myself: No, I don’t want my pursuit of the path to be tainted by my unskillful responses that give rise and strengthen the defilements in myself and in others, especially my parents. If I continue on this way, I may complete cut off the path of Dhamma for my parents. Instead of giving them the opportunity to see the beauty of the path and the taste of Dhamma, I may actually make them feel resentful for the path whose pursuit takes their daughter away from them, despite myself. Instead of offering kindness, openness and understanding, I come down plain hard on them, closing my ears tight, thinking: “They simply don’t understand what I give all my heart for and there is no way for me to bring them to a common understanding.”
Even though now I have yet to find a way to talk them into allowing me to go for longer practice, I have come to terms with the fact that they don’t understand what I’m pursuing. I will try my very best to offer them kindness, respect, understanding, acceptance – the very things in the practice that attracted me in the first place. That is a more real way to practice: to see it and practice the Dhamma in every way and every part of my life, rather than limiting it to only the meditation cushion.
Later on, as I reflected further, I told myself: No, I don’t want my pursuit of the path to be tainted by my unskillful responses that give rise and strengthen the defilements in myself and in others, especially my parents. If I continue on this way, I may complete cut off the path of Dhamma for my parents. Instead of giving them the opportunity to see the beauty of the path and the taste of Dhamma, I may actually make them feel resentful for the path whose pursuit takes their daughter away from them, despite myself. Instead of offering kindness, openness and understanding, I come down plain hard on them, closing my ears tight, thinking: “They simply don’t understand what I give all my heart for and there is no way for me to bring them to a common understanding.”
Even though now I have yet to find a way to talk them into allowing me to go for longer practice, I have come to terms with the fact that they don’t understand what I’m pursuing. I will try my very best to offer them kindness, respect, understanding, acceptance – the very things in the practice that attracted me in the first place. That is a more real way to practice: to see it and practice the Dhamma in every way and every part of my life, rather than limiting it to only the meditation cushion.
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