Mana

I've just been to Sayadaw Pa Auk Retreat (5-13 Nov 05). The retreat was rejuvenating, for a simple reason: Because it is a retreat. =) It's a means for me to detox from the ills of the mind, and indeed there're many ills that I need to release out of my system. As a rule, the first two days of retreat are the time when all the bad things surfaced, just like the process you go through when you detox your body. Afterwards, the mind becomes more joyful and light. There're a number of themes my mind took on to reflect upon, among which mana(conceit) is one. Here's a summarized version:


Mana (conceit) is an enemy tat's often mistaken as friend. Often in retreats, I got to see my mana manifesting itself in many subtle forms, to the point where I get really embarrassed: “So all these are mana. How foolish I have been led along by it”. For eg, I thought: I'm better than this person in such and such a way. This is mana, because it rests on the premise that there is a solid “I” that in such and such a way is better than some solid “others”.

Defilements don't differentiate between practitioners and non-practitioners, dont' differentiate me and others. Just as it's possibly manifested in others, it is possibly manifested in myself as well. After all, I'm still just a puthujhana (Wordling). Defilements attack all those whose mind is weak.

It means that, just as others, being triggered in such and such a way, feel hurt, painful, angry, oppressed, frustrated, etc, I too may feel the same. I often reacted in an unskillful way, simply because I'm a puthujhana. Others behave and reacted in unskillful ways as well, because they're puthujhana. We're unskillful because we're still deluded by ignorance.

I'm just like others, others are just like me. It's not about me or you or others, it's about defilements manifesting themselves in one form or another. Visited by the same defilement, we often react in the same way or hold the same feelings or emotions.

It's very humbling to think that I'm still a puthujhana rather than someone who's a better practitioner. It’s humbling and kind as well, ‘cause it's a way to forgive myself and others for whatever wrong could have been done.

Mana is disgracing, no matter where they manifest themselves, in you, in me, in anyone. And that is our real enemy: Mana, not anyone else. The real enemy is inside, not outside. The real battle is fought within, not without.

The Gift of Forgiveness

At first I thought you were at fault
I was pointing finger at you
My heart was hard, cold, closed.

I look and look
and see that it was I who was wrong
I admit wrong
and apologize
My heart softens, warms, opens.

The door of my heart is always, again, open for you
No matter what you do to me

You are important to me
and I only wish you well and happy
that is all I want
and that is enough
I want nothing else from you

I am a little grass
You can step on me but you will never hurt me
and I will not hurt you back
and I will always stand tall
facing the sky
welcoming.... each.... moment....

Lesson From a Mango Tree

Thus, for one who is practicing with awareness, it isn't necessary to have someone to advise and teach all that much to be able to see and understand. An example is the case of the Buddha who, in a previous life, was King Chanokomun. He didn't need to study very much. All he had to do was observe a mango tree.

One day, while visiting a park with his retinue of ministers, from atop his elephant, he spied some mango tees heavily laden with ripe fruit. Not being able to stop at that time, he determined in his mind to return later to partake of some. Little did he know, however, that his ministers, coming along behind, would greedily gather them all up; that they would use poles to knock them down, beating and breaking the branches and tearing and scattering the leaves.

Returning in the evening to the mango grove, the king, already imagining in his mind the delicious taste of the mangoes, suddenly discovered that they were all gone, completely finished! And not only that, but the branches and leaves had been thoroughly thrashed and scattered.

The king, quite disappointed and upset, then noticed another mango tree nearby with its leaves and branches still intact. He wondered why. He then realized it was because that tree had no fruit. If a tree has no fruit nobody disturbs it and so its leaves and branches are not damaged. This lesson kept him absorbed in thought all the way back to the palace: "It is unpleasant, troublesome and difficult to be a king. It requires constant concern for all his subjects. What if there are attempts to attack, plunder and seize parts of his kingdom?" He could not rest peacefully; even in his sleep he was disturbed by dreams.

He saw in his mind, once again, the mango tree without fruit and its undamaged leaves and branches. "If we become similar to that mango tree," he thought, "our "leaves" and "branches," too, would not be damaged."

In his chamber he sat and meditated. Finally, he decided to ordain as a monk, having been inspired by this lesson of the mango tree. He compared himself to that mango tree and concluded that if one didn't become involved in the ways of the world, one would be truly independent, free from worries or difficulties. The mind would be untroubled. Reflecting thus, he ordained.

From then on, wherever he went, when asked who his teacher was, he would answer, "A mango tree." He didn't need to receive teaching all that much. A mango tree was the cause of his Awakening to the Opanayiko-Dhamma, the teaching leading inwards. And with this Awakening, he became a monk, one who has few concerns, is content with little, and who delights in solitude. His royal status given up, his mind was finally at peace.

From: http://accesstoinsight.org/lib/thai/chah/bodhinyana.html#reading

I read this story quite a while ago, but it left a very deep impression in my heart. The wisdom contains in that small piece of writing still stays with me up to this day, being the basic principle with which I see things and carry myself.

Many things I read afterwards fall along the same line, affirming me that this is indeed the path. Below are the examples:

“May I have nothing to do with honor, and honor nothing to do with me.” ~ The Buddha
http://accesstoinsight.org/canon/sutta/anguttara/an05-030.html

“When I went to Wat Asokaram -- a very large monastery -- for my first Rains Retreat, Ajaan Fuang told me, "If they ask you questions in Thai, answer in English. If they ask in English, answer in Thai. After a while they'll get tired to talking to you, and will leave you alone to meditate."
http://accesstoinsight.org/lib/thai/fuang/itself.html


When I read the story, I told myself, “I want to be the mango with few leaves and fruits.” In other words, I do not hold the wish to be regarded as someone of particular importance; I do not wish to possess so many skills and knowledge. If I am someone of importance or well-regarded, a lot of people will swarm around me. Instead of spending time striving on the path, I will have to spend a lot of time off the path. On the other hand, if I’m someone of no importance, I will be left on my own. I can then spend time practicing without any burden whatsoever that comes from the imposing expectations others lay onto me or from having to fulfill whatever expectations I have on myself so as to be regarded as “good”. Whatever others think or say of me, that is their business. My business is to keep on striving with appamado, keep on perfecting the factors that constitute the path—Sila, Samadhi and Panna, to keep working on the most important task in my life – the work of driving defilements out of the mind. It’s not with self-conceit and disregard for others that one says “Whatever others think or say of me is their business”. Conversely, it is said with the understanding of what are and are not for one to be concerned with, and what concerning which will benefit one’s striving on the path. It really simplifies matters, as one knows exactly what are within one’s area of control and choice and what are more beneficial for one to work on.

Having no concern for honor saves one a lot of burden and trouble that comes from a mind wishing affirmation from others that one is good. One does good because one knows the value of so doing, not because one wants to be praised by others or to be well-regarded. It doesn’t matter whether one is praised or blamed – one is simply unconcerned.

At the beginning, I find blame more useful that praise because when I’m blamed (or scolded for that matter) I’m brought back to my senses and I could clearly see whether I am affected by what was said, and if so, to what extent.

Later on, I started to see the harm in praise as well. I remembered being praised (sincerely and what was said was indeed true) and I started to feel bigger than myself all at once. Affirmative thoughts of what were said came flooding into my mind as if they are afraid that I would forget them. It took quite a while before my mind would come back to its original neutral stand. The process is very much the same as that of being blamed – the blame will reverberate in one’s mind, and then there will be a lot of self-talk (mind you, it may take up to one day or even more if one is not aware) and rebuttal of how off the mark the blame was.

Of the two contrast experiences (being praised or blamed), one thing is clear: whether being praised or blamed, if one reacts, it only serves to strengthen one’s ego – one’s sense of self, one’s attachment to self. In this way, they are of equal value.

Self-Conceit VS Trust

If not for a request for article by SPBS, I wouldn't have opened up my folder and read my writings. :)

It has been a while that I don't write and can't write lengthily. When it comes to writing, I have almost nothing to write about. The mind just goes 'plong' - blank. Even at times when I have the inspiration to write, what comes out is only a very summarized version. Find the writing below has a good point to offer. Just like to share it with whoever frequent my blog. May you be well and happy. :)


*****

We can use explosives to level a mountain and then move the earth. But the tight grasping of our self-conceit--oh man! The wise can teach us to our dying day, but they can't get rid of it. It remains hard and fast. Our wrong ideas and bad tendencies remain so solid and unbudging, and we're not aware of it. So the wise have said that removing this self-conceit and turning wrong understanding into right understanding is about the hardest thing to do.
From: Ajahn Chah – Understanding Dukkha

How true it is. In the course of our practice of the path, self-conceit is to be feared most. Looking back, I realized there’re times when I don’t see others’ point of view simply because I hold on tightly to my self-conceit. There’re times when I thought I’ve understood so much so that no one is better than I am. What illusion! And that self-conceit is by far the biggest stumbling block to our progress in the path.

Now that I see how dangerous self-conceit is, I always make it a point to keep self-conceit in check. No true communication and learning can take place between teacher-student if one maintains one’s self-conceit. Indeed, if we put down our self-conceit, we open up the possibility for our learning by a great degree. Recently I have a lot of two-way-discussions with a Dhamma sister whom I deem to be very advanced in her practice. When we talk, I trust her 100%. I don’t doubt her at all, and I am very sure that whatever she told me is for my benefit. She would point out to me where I make mistakes, and I would listen. She would show me,” See, this is your 5 hindrances [1] overpowering you”, and I would check myself to see the 5 hindrances, instead of talking back and said that she’s misunderstood me.

Over time, I come to see how this attitude benefits me so much. If I were to hold on to my self-conceit and refuse to listen to her, or if I doubt her, all I would have to deal with is my emerging self-conceit and pride. This self-conceit and pride stand in the way of my learning process, and I would lose the opportunity to deal with the 5 hindrances directly, with the help of a precious teacher. So when I listen to her, I put my self-conceit to rest. And I listen to her whole-heartedly and check myself to see where I have done wrong. Our communication deepens, because we trust each other and are willing to learn from each other, and we both know that we care for each other’s welfare and progress in the path.

This attitude of trusting is very valuable, and I get to appreciate it more and more. It’s because she knows that I trust her and that I know she doesn’t tell me things just so that I know how good she is but for my benefit, that she is willing to guide me and help me in areas where I have difficulties. And when she asks me questions, I would tell her what really is, without fearing that she would misunderstand me or that she would think badly of me or that the information I give her will harm her in certain ways or hamper her progress. We learn so much through trusting each other.

Self-conceit makes one wants to win a conversation just to feel that “I am right” and strive to steer the conversation in a way that others would agree that “I am right”, and more often than not ending up not letting one have a satisfying conversation/ discussion with others because one can’t convince others that one is right. One of my friends once told me, “We can never have a satisfying discussion because everyone thinks he is right and wants to convince others so. And everyone’s opinions differ.”

On the other hand, trusting each other allows us to have very satisfying discussions. We always end up feeling that we’ve learnt very valuable lessons from the other. And we always want to come back for more. I am keen to learn where I have done wrong, where I’ve developed unwholesome attitudes, and she’s willing to point out to me. Whatever she says enriches my understanding and sometimes it becomes food for thought for me. At the end of the day, I only feel deep gratitude to her, for pointing out the way to me. I feel that she takes care of me just like a mother would to her child. And for that, I’m deeply thankful.



[1] The Five Hindrances are: sensual desire, ill-will, sloth and torpor, restlessness and remorse, and doubt. For more information on the Five Hindrances, see http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/bps/wheels/wheel026.html

Sweet Love

I've just browsed through my collection of 'Reflections'... things I've reflected on and written about, mostly personal, and come across this piece. Though written quite a long while back, it captured an important part of my life, in which a big burden in my heart was let go of, gradually but surely. Here I'm again reminded of how the Buddha's teaching has really brought light into my life and change my life forever. Enjoy reading!

*****

My dear friend,

I’d like to share with you my bits for today. It’s just a small part of my life; nevertheless it’s an important one. I’ve seen myself transformed from a small kid to a young girl, an emotionally immature girl who blamed the world for everything wrong that went in her life to one who is appreciative, loving and forgiving. Looking back, I feel that I’ve threaded a long path, each step making up me and myself today; each day leaving a deep memory to recall. Though I don’t write to you everyday, I write in my mind, and I’ve written pages and pages of diaries that are well stored in my subconscious mind.

I’m at the midst of my busiest days, having to accomplish so much in so little time. But instead of rushing to get everything out of the pipeline, I relaxingly arrange my timetable and try to manage my time. What a different attitude it is from what I usually did if I had more things to do than my time allowed. Well, if I’m not too tired, at most I just don’t sleep tonight. That’s what I tell myself.

In the midst of that all, I received my father’s sms, asking me if I was still awake. For a while, I vacillated whether to reply or not. I knew that if I replied, my pa would know that I was still awake and will thus call me. I don’t know how long we’ll talk, but it will definitely take some of my precious time away. If I don’t reply, he wouldn’t know that I was not yet asleep, but he wouldn’t call me. Despite that, I pressed the replied button. Anyway I haven’t been talking to my family members for some time, so this is a good time to catch up with them.

My conjecture was correct. Soon afterwards, he called me. I happily picked up the phone and talked to my family members – my dad, brother and sister. My mom has already slept. While talking to them, I could feel that my heart was warmed with love for them. Though I didn’t say “I love all of you”, I feel it so deeply. And the way we talked to each other was so sweet. We asked each other how we were doing and told each other how we’ve been. Though I haven’t seen them for more than one month now, since I came back to Singapore, somehow I can just tell them how I’m doing and had so much to talk about. If it’s not because I’m reminded that the international phone bill is extremely prohibitive, I wouldn’t have hanged up the phone.

It’s interesting how my attitude has changed throughout these years, especially towards my pa. Two years ago, I picked up his call with a heavy heart. I didn’t really like talking to him. I used to nurse a prejudice against him. That was when I still thought that human beings were static, and that they were born that way. I used to think that if a person was corrupt, he would be forever corrupt, and that his corruptness is solely due to his own impurity of the heart. I thought that every action that one does is independent of other people and is the responsibility of his alone.

Last year, when attending a religious talk, I came to understand that human beings are inter-related. We can’t be ourselves without factoring in the environment in which we grow up and the people around whom our lives revolve. By the same token, my pa is the person he is because of so many determining factors. It may be that he wasn’t so expressive in his feelings because he wasn’t brought up that way. It may be that throughout his lives, he’s encountered incidents that stole trust on others away. And he is constantly influenced by his surroundings, just like he constantly influences me and the way I see the world. That understanding softens my heart, and from that day onwards, I embarked on a journey of self-healing and self-transformation. I started to see that we are at all independent. Whatever actions that we do, whatever behavior that we exhibit, whatever attitude that we have, is learnt one way or the other from our surroundings. I started to see the way to return to my pa.

Throughout these years, I’ve also learnt to love more, to be more honest with myself and with others. Somehow, perhaps unconsciously, I’ve accepted my pa. When I went back home this holiday, I didn’t feel the uneasiness that I felt when I met my father.

And today, I realized that my love has grown even further. I picked up my pa’s call with happiness and eagerness, as if it were my boyfriend who’s called me. I talked on the phone happily, enjoying the flowing of the love from my heart. For the first time since I came to Singapore, I miss home. When talking to them, I can imagine the warm aroma of home – of pa, ma, my brothers and sister. Now I can say without doubt that I love them all.

Gratitude to Parents - How can we feel anything but?

Having just been home recently, of late I reflect a lot on what my parents have done for me, and at such times my heart would melt and I would almost always cry as a result… cry with tears of deep gratitude.


The Buddha said: “Just as a mother would guard her only child, even at the risk of her own life, even so towards all beings, let me cultivate boundless love”.


My mother has 4 children, but even then I have already felt her tremendous love, much less if I were her only child. It really melts my heart how she would go the distance to ensure that we, her children, are well and happy. Just being near her and observe how she takes care of us is enough to know how much she cares for each one of us. At home, I was treated like a king while on the contrary, I feel that I’m the one who should have treated her like a king. How much has she gone through to raise us and take care of us? She would eat the bad food and keep for us the good ones. She doesn’t mind being left cold as long as we’re left warm. It reminds me of the virtues of a mother as told by the Buddha.


I remember reading an article by a monk relating how his mother would eat very little so as to ensure that her children have enough to eat. I’m sure my mom will do that too. But I’m not sure if I will. How embarrassing it is to think that instead of trying all ways to repay our debt of gratitude to our parents, out of our own ignorance and ingratitude, we mistreat them or think of them as unimportant. How blind have I been, that instead of looking at their virtues and emulate them, I zoomed in on their shortcomings and tried to correct them. J What a shame!

Once, I sat down with my mom and thanked her for the many little things she’s done that warm my heart. She asked thank her for what. I said I thank her for preparing my meal, for fixing my clothes, for buying me food that I like, for putting up with me, for taking care of me. She said that those are the things she’s very happy to do. I know I will always owe her. I know I won’t be able to completely repay my debt of her kindness.


So here and now, I make a resolution to be to others what she’s been to me and to give to others what she’s given to me – her kindness, love, warmth and care, as a way to sincerely thank her for all that she’s done for me.

Reflection on Board

Medan, 14th Feb 2005

I was sitting in the waiting room waiting to board the plane, and below is what came to mind then...

There's meeting, there's separation.

In meeting up, the most important is the person we are with.

Why bother so much with petty things, who's right and who's wrong.

Soon we'll have to separate.

Why not treasure the moment and be the best that you can to the ones you love?

If he speaks, listen. Don't talk back.

Be the best that you can to him... for him...

because the only time you can do so is the time when you are with him.

(PS: him == father or anyone U love)

Pervert

I like things that upset many. Hence the title. The earliest occurrence, as far as I can remember, was sparked by Ajahn Lee. Somewhere in his book, he wrote (paraphrased): “Good things are bad things. Bad things are good things. Good things like praise, pleasure, and fame are bad for the heart. Things like criticism and displeasure are good for the heart.” I was pretty puzzled when I first come across this, but after some time, I began to see his point and really appreciated what was said. The deep appreciation comes from the very truth in what Ajahn Lee put across.

Once when I went to a Dhamma class at Mahaprajna, the shifu told us jokingly that he once anyhow gave a Dhamma name Hui Si (Meaning: Can Die) to a lay devotee, and the person got very upset. When I heard that, I thought the name was very nice, and so adopted it myself. I find the name very nice because it’s so much in line with reality, simple yet truthful, in no way trying to deny the truth and instead see it as it really is, in full acceptance.

On another occasion, I read Ajahn Brahm relating a story of the time when he was sick. Ajahn Chah paid him a visit and he got very pleased because he highly regarded Ajahn Chah and it was really an honor to him that Ajahn Chah paid him a visit. However, he got very upset when Ajahn Chah opened his mouth. Instead of consoling him or wishing him well soon, Ajahn Chah said, “You will either get better, or you will die.”

When I read that, I thought that was well-said, and on the right occasion! I would be happy to be offered such words when I got sick. It actually takes quite a bit of courage to speak the truth in such matter-of-factly-manner.

On yet another occasion, BW told me of a strict Zen meditation centre where the teacher will hit the students with a stick if they are sleepy while meditating. I got really excited to learn about that!
There’s a reason for this tendency: I’m constantly seeking for places or occasions that are favourable for cleansing the heart, and getting away from what is favourable to the defilements but endanger the practice! Things that are favourable to the defilements always seem very nice and naturally makes us inclined towards them, like praises, comfort, company of friends, good food, idle talks… Yet, if we let ourselves get carried away by them, they are bound to wipe out the goodness in us: make us forget ourselves, forget the training/ Dhamma, and just be slave to the defilements!

Angulimala

The write-up below is extracted from a mailing list, dated Aug 26th 2004. I wrote this after watching the film "Angulimala", a Thai movie.

******

Dear all,
Just wanna share some reflections on the film "Angulimala".

1. In the movie we saw Angulimala being fooled/ deluded by Mara. It looked almost impossible that someone sane will do what he did (kill so many innocent beings), yet in truth (as far as I understand it), what he did is what every man on the street is capable of doing. That includes you and I! There're two factors in play here: Strong faith in something and the power of thought.

Strong Faith
When we have so much faith in someone or something, whatever he says, we'll listen, even though sometimes we may think that it's not common sense.

For example, I have a lot of faith in the Ajahn Lee, who's practicing the Thai Forest Tradition. I trust that what he said is the truth. I regard myself as a blind man, who doesn't see the road in front of me, and he's my guidance, leading me to the direction of light, step by step. I have to trust him and depend on him, because I can't see the light myself, yet. In other words, I practically leave my life in his hand. If he is to lead me astray, he can do so easily, just as Mara can lead Angulimala astray when he trusted him so much. On the other hand, it's necessary to have such strong faith in a teacher to really follow his teaching and thus progress in one's practice. If we doubt the teacher and keep on questioning what he teaches, the truth of which we are yet able to comprehend, when are we ever going to start practicing? It's only when we start practicing that we begin to see the truth of what is taught.

So to have a strong faith in the teacher is necessary for one to start practicing, and to progress in one's practice. However, one must be extremely careful when one chooses a teacher, because if the teacher teaches the wrong thing (just like Mara in this movie), one can easily be led astray.

Power of Thought
Actually to kill someone, all that is required is one thought. That one-thought then leads to another thought, and still another thought, which may weaken or strengten that initial thought. In the case of things one is not used to doing, it takes many accumulation of thoughts to do it. But once it becomes a habit, one does it almost automatically.

What am I trying to say here, is that all of us have the potential to commit the crime that Angulimala committed, if we don't take care of our thoughts carefully. So select your food for thoughts!

In fact, for this reason, I don't see the prisoners as any different from any of us.


2. Angulimala repented when he met the Buddha, and since then never harm any living beings.

This point is especially inspiring for me. To break a habit is extremely difficult, especially if it has been so strongly inculcated into one's character. Angulimala has killed 999 people before he met the Buddha, so the habit energy of killing was pretty strong in him (I suppose). Yet, just a word from the Buddha and he completely refrained from killing!

Are we capable of doing that? When we know that what we've done is wrong, are we able to change ourselves and turn a new leaf overnight? Angulimala can, and he did. Can we?



Fen

Letting Go

Letting go is allowing things to be. We observe, we acknowledge, we know, but we don’t cling to it.

Wanting things to be this way or that way is clinging to becoming (Bhava Tanha).

Not wanting things to be a certain way is clinging to non-becoming (Vibhava Tanha).

Letting go is just letting things be what they are, without any expectation for them to be otherwise. Letting go allows one to stop – stop from running after the never-ending desires: I want this, I want that, I want to be this and that…….

When one lets go, one stops struggling. One who lets go is at peace.

Standard of Practice

How do you gauge how successful you are in what you’re endeavouring?

If it is by how much praises you get, how much you gain materially, that is going by the standard of the world.

By the standard of the Dhamma though, the above are immaterial.

If, however, in doing something, you know that:
You are developing good-will (Metta), compassion (Karuna), appreciation (Mudita) and equanimity (Upekkha),
Or you have less of hatred (Dosa), greed (Lobha) and delusion (Moha),
Then you’re truly successful, as the positive qualities you’re developing and the negative qualities you’re abandoning helps shape you into a beautiful person with a beautiful heart. It’s a sure-fire way to ensure happiness in the world.

And when you are truly happy and at peace with yourself, it doesn’t matter what others say or think about you. You know for yourself who you really are.