I Win

It has been ages since I last wrote. I usually write during some spare time when I'm in retreats. In my chat with Romo C, he said I could have written a book. Indeed! My days in Brahma Vihari were recorded in my diary and it's almost like a book!

Now I'm writting from a different setting -- the busy day-to-day working life, with Dhamma practice as the main tone. =) Re-reading my own blog calms the mind. Now, the mind takes the same calmness as its color, albeit in completely different setting. It's really Dhamma-in-the-battlefield!

It's seeing things from different angle, different setting. Yet, the taste of Dhamma stands out even more. And in whatever situation we are in, as long as we hold on to the Dhamma, we will always win.

All through my life, as long as I can recall, I never hate anyone. Just recently, I had a very close encounter with hatred. I hated someone so badly that I kept on repeating in my heart, "I hate him, I hate him, I hate him." That hatred was so strong that I couldn't concentrate in whatever I'm doing. I was really in the thick of delusion. I knew in my heart that was wrong, but the delusion was so strong I couldn't get myself out of it. And I was really suffering. Looking from a perspective, that is the silliest thing to do. To be angry with someone because of what he or she says and does. The other party could be happily enjoying themselves while I'm burning with hatred.

Somehow, after a while (can't remember exactly how long; probably one to two days) the hatred just dissipated away. I learn to overlook what burns me and look carefully to find his goodness. To my pleasant surprise, there are a lot....really a lot. We always find what we focus on. If we focus on goodness, we will always, always find goodness. If we focus on people's faults, we will always find them too. =)

In Jakarta, it's not always safe to flag a cab. Some cab brands are more trustworthy than the others. I notice that the taxi drivers of different taxis behave very differently. Some are nice and polite, some tend to stir suspicion and feeling of insecurity. Sometimes, because the cab I want to take is not always available and I'm in a hurry, I just bet my luck. Cos I'm always lucky ^_^. Suddenly a thought stroke my mind: "You get what you expect. People will live up to what you expect of them." At that thought, my initial suspicion (that the taxi driver will misbehave) turns into a kind thought that he's just the victim of people's perception and treatment. The heart softened and I spoke to him with kindness. He turned out to be a good person after all.

With that in mind, I switch my mind back to R. I think if I expect him to be good, he will. By 'expect', I don't mean we impose our idea of what is good to other people. By 'expect', I mean we treat him as if he is good. We think of him as a good person. It's very difficult to behave badly if people around you think you're a good person and respect you accordingly for that. I start to focus on his goodness, and there are really a lot. He keeps his precepts well. He keeps his words. He has helped me a lot in the past. It was him who got me back to health. He points out my blind spot. As my thoughts flow, gratitude flows. In place of anger and hatred, there is gratitude and love. He teaches me many things. He's been a good teacher to me. The heart softens and the mind calms down. I win. =) I win over myself, and with that, I start to like myself back. I become friend with myself again. That's the sweetest victory. At that stage, noone can take away my peace. No one can make me suffer but myself. I have a choice. I choose to be happy. I choose to be kind. I choose to forgive. I choose to let go. Metta becomes the natural mainstay for the mind. Because I'm happy, I naturally wish everyone to be happy. I must be smiling to myself, as I see strangers smiling back to me.

The calmness and peace that result from that experience stays with me for a long time. The mind is protected by the Dhamma. I feel as if I'm in retreat living the Dhamma. It's the same whether we are in retreat or in the work place. As long as we have the Dhamma in our heart, everywhere we can practice. Everyday is Dhamma Day. That fulfills my wish: to establish a Dhammasathit in my heart. Dhammasathit: the place where the Dhamma is established. I've come back to the Buddha, Dhamma, Sangha. I've come back home.

Now, I wish to become a beacon of hope. To do that, I am willing to change. I will change a little bit every day so that at the end of the month, at the end of the year, I will have changed a lot. At the end of the day, I will really become a beacon of hope. :) That is a very powerful statement I made during "Strengthen Your Strength" session. And I continue to change internally and externally. It's subtle yet obvious.

May this find you well.
May you be well and happy.

Santussako. =)