The last few days. I start to really settle down. How long it takes. Previously the heart has been a little restless : thinking of other center to go to, finding ways to boost my meditaiton practice, convincing myself of my reasons for staying here. Only lately the heart really settles down. And when it settles down like this, it goes with the flow. There is not much of internal struggle.
The practice has been on the down side because I gave in to lust - thinking of the positive attributes of AS to the point where infatuation and attachment arose. It is at this point that I am able to cearly discern the difference between attachment-love and metta-love. With Sayalay, there is a lot of metta and I'm willing to do anything for her, AND I am happy and rejoice when other people approach her, help and serve her. With AS, the love is not taht pure. There is a tendency for possessiveness, and I was not happy when Amy has the opportunity to approach him while I don't. Metta frees one, while attachment-love imprisons one. This drawback, and the fall of my practice, is enough to bring me back to my senses. In any case, I do not wish to do anything inappropriate. I do not wish to cause trouble to AS either. Nevertheless, I'm very grateful to him for serving as a living example of a contemplative: not being burdensome, not imposing to his fellow monks, being sensitive, being kind and helpful, and doing service when the need arises - switching on the fans in the meditation hall, sweeping and mopping the floor, cleaning up the altar, pulling down the blind, doing all these without thinking that those are the things we laity have to do. He doesn't preach much cause he doesn't speak our language, but his calm and gentle demeanor and his impeccable conduct speak volumes, and that is enough to make me stay, and be happy to stay on. =)
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